Why am I happy?

Recently I was reviewing some of my previous postings authored during a recent depressive period. It caused me to wonder why I have been relatively happy for the last 6 months or so; and more importantly, why have I been able to maintain my healthy emotional state without using medication? Generally I am not prone to reviewing the molars of a donated horse. However, I often feel like I am one crisis away from another debilitating depression and I want to better understand what influences the ebb and flow of my emotional well being.

Wednesday morning B and I went for a 25 mile bike ride. We talked about how we would be remembering that ride in the future. It was a beautiful day and we just enjoyed each others company.

Delivery boy

Now that school is out for the summer, my morning routine is completely screwed up. B would rather not get up at 5:45 to walk the dog and we plan to do more bike-riding and running in the morning. This morning we were preparing to walk the dog at 6:30 when J called asking me to bring him his work ID that he had forgotten. So like a dutiful father I changed my plans and delivered his badge to him. He has been talking about moving out of the house. Who will he call for courier service when he is out on his own?

Yesterday I said goodbye to my shrink. He has done a good job; but I am doing well so I don’t see a real benefit in continuing our sessions at this point. I realize that I will likely be back to see him at some point in the future but it feels good to part ways at least for now.

Tough Decision

I had previously decided not to start a new cadet unit, but after talking with my friend P (my future XO) I agreed to meet with a few people to see where this goes. I am really enjoying all the time that would have otherwise been spent with the cadet group; but I really miss the kids and the program.

Bike Week

Yesterday J and I went to a motorcycle hill-climb event that was staged as part of Bike Week, an annual 10 day motorcycle rally held in Laconia NH. The hill-climb itself was fun to watch, though a bit more tame than I expected. Afterwards we went to Weirs Beach, the epicenter of the rally to check out the bikes and attractions. We enjoyed looking at all the bikes but the rest of the event was little more than vendors selling t-shirts, sunglasses, hot sausages and hand cut french fries. Pretty lame in my opinion.

As we drove home I began to grow lethargic and started thinking about how I was going to spend the rest of my day. I knew that if I did not stay strong and determined I would end up sitting in Clickerville wasting away. However, when I arrived home I promptly moved my jeep into the driveway and started dissecting the front body mount in preparation for its replacement. I did not stop until 8:00 PM. I am thrilled that I avoided Clickerville and made some progress on my jeep.

Tired

Lately I have been feeling a bit run down. It is hard to concentrate at work and I don't have a lot of energy. I could easily take an Adderall but I hate taking medication.

J accepted a job at a local gun manufacturer. Apparently he was hired to load type into a jig and press a button on a machine that stamps a gun. He will repeat this process approximately 500 times per day. I don't see him staying at that job for more than a few weeks. Maybe now he will develop an appreciation for the value of a good education.

Who cares anymore?

Recently I took J to a psychiatrist to explore medicinal options that would help him control his anger problems. We met with a highly-recommended doctor who asked many good questions and we agreed to meet again. When we arrived for the second visit, I waited in the lobby while J met with the doctor. After about five minutes they invited me to join them. The doctor than outlined his recommended treatment plan that started with J taking the drug Risperdal. I asked the doctor to tell us about the drug including its potential side effects and he gave us a cursory overview and said J might experience some weight gain. That was it… No further explanation. We agreed to try it and he wrote us a script.

Later I spent some time researching the drug and I was horrified to discover that it was an extremely risky product with possible side effects including:

Somnolence, increased appetite, fatigue, rhinitis, upper respiratory tract infection, vomiting, coughing, urinary incontinence, increased saliva, constipation, fever, tremors, muscle stiffness, abdominal pain, anxiety, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, rash, restlessness, and indigestion.

Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS) is a rare and potentially fatal side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medicines.

Tardive Dyskinesia (TD) is a serious, sometimes permanent side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications. TD includes uncontrollable movements of the face, tongue, and other parts of the body.

RISPERDAL and similar medications can raise the blood levels of a hormone known as prolactin, causing a condition known as hyperprolactinemia. Blood levels of prolactin remain elevated with continued use. Some side effects seen with these medications include the absence of a menstrual period; breasts producing milk; the development of breasts by males; and the inability to achieve an erection.

High blood sugar and diabetes have been reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications.

What really freaked me out was that Tardive Dyskinesia affliction could remain permanently! This drug is generally used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I am very concerned that anyone would recommend this medication to treat a mild anxiety/irritability disorder.

I am really pissed off and I view this doctor as uncaring and out of touch with his patients, at least J.

Now I need to figure out what do to next. WTF…

J's Lucky Day!

We won our appeal so J will officially graduate with his class this Friday. Based on his poor judgement and pathetic class attendance he deserved to be held back; but I am happy that he was not. Keeping Josh focused on school for the past 12 years has been incredibly difficult (hell) and I am very proud of J for earning his diploma.

He says that he will be moving out within the next few months. I think his quest for independence will be good for him and our relationship but I really don't want to see him go. However, given is lack of maturity and responsibility as well as the contentious relationship he has with his girlfriend, I expect he will be back.

We met with the lawyer yesterday and we are moving forward with the plea arrangement. If all goes well we should be nearing the end of the legal aspect of this horrible event.

Hot!!!

The temperature has been in the mid 90's for the past two days and forecasters predict the oppressive heat will continue through today. D and I spent most of the weekend working in the yard so I am looking forward to a cool day in an air conditioned office.

The school is allowing J to make up his missed finals so now we just have to explain why he missed, or was late for an excessive amount of English classes. If we lose the appeal, he will be allowed to walk on graduation day with his class, but will have to go to summer school to get his English credit. He says that he will not go to summer school. But believe me, he will.

I have been in a fairly good mood lately even though I have been off meds (except for one difficult day) for approximately three weeks. I am often envious of other people for whom laughter and playfulness comes so easily. However, I can generally accept that a "fairly good mood" is way better than feeling suicidal.

Update – I just got off the phone with the Asst. Principle at J’s school and after a lengthy discussion I was unable to get some type of exception for J. The Asst. Principle had one remarkably lucid quote though; “When J shows up for class 10 minutes late with a Dunkin Donuts coffee in his hand, it is hard to muster up sympathy for him”. Raising teens SUCKS!!!

Raising Teens Sucks!!!

Today I found out that J missed his English final and may fail as a result. That means he does not graduate. WTF!!! Doesn't this ever get easier? I try to help him but he just argues with me saying that I don't know what I am talking about. I will have to call the school and find out what his options are. Some might say to let him fail; I can't do that.

Yesterday I was somewhat wired from the meds and had a pretty good day as a result. Unfortunately, I crashed when I got home. My mood deteriorated to the point where I was a bit of an ass. Unfortunately my in-laws were over so I did not pick the best night to be a bitch.

Thank God for Quad venti no-whipped mocha’s…

Demons

Yesterday I had to face my demons and my demon was me. B shared with me an essay he recently wrote for school about an incident that occurred approximately four years ago when I was in the worst of my depressive period. Following is an excerpt:

Pancake Day started like any other day. My Dad woke me up, told me to get myself ready and left the room. I rose out of bed, placidly dressed myself in my regular attire and went downstairs. Amazingly my Dad had made breakfast for me. It was a nice steaming hot batch of pancakes. I thanked my Dad and sat down to begin eating when we heard a door slam upstairs. I heard my contentious brother screaming at my Mom. “No, fuck you! If I don’t want to go to school today than I damn well have a right not to. Jesus Christ, leave me the hell alone!” When my Dad heard this he bolted up the stairs. “J, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I sat at the breakfast table holding my fork. The normally palatable pancakes sitting in front of me untouched; I wasn’t very hungry anymore. “I don’t want to go to school today!” Still, I just looked at the pancakes. “You can’t make me do anything!” The steam was still rising from the pancakes when I heard my Dad explode. Words can’t explain the scream that came out of his mouth. I had no inkling about what happened to my brother, but I heard him crying. My Dad came running down the stairs. “What the fuck is wrong with you kids?” He said it like a statement, not a question. I started to cry. My Dad started pacing. I still remember sitting at the table holding my fork and watching the steam roll off the pancakes. He suddenly went upstairs again than hurriedly came back down the stairs. He looked at me crying. I could feel the salty taste of the tears rolling into my mouth. He saw the pancakes and charged towards me like a madman and furiously ripped them away. “You don’t deserve these. You are worthless!” He chucked them into the trash and stormed out of the house.

Last night, as I read the essay my body stiffened, my mouth went dry and I began to tremble. As I struggled to compose myself, I wrestled with conflicting emotions. I was angry at myself for the pain I have inflicted upon my family. I was angry at B for sharing with his teacher what was likely my worst day as his Father. I was concerned that his teacher might feel compelled to report me as an abusive Father. However, I felt the need to mask my emotions and discuss this essay with its author without making the conversation about me. Ultimately I was unable to completely mask my emotions and I wish I would have had more strength to do so. B and I talked more about the essay this morning while walking the dog and we are working through it.

I don’t ever remember calling either of my sons “worthless”. To the best of my recollection, I have always separated the act from the person. I also don’t remember using the foul incendiary language B described in his essay. However, the factual representation is less important than the memory it left.

Depression sucks… It tears people and families apart. I am lucky that I had a wife that stayed by my side and insurance that paid for meds.

I have been off my meds for over two weeks… Today I took a strong dose of the antidepressant and stimulant. I am in danger of sliding back into the black abyss of nothingness.

Kids are calling

The Cadet unit I recently left is apparently falling apart. I have been getting calls from kids and adults asking me to start another unit. The thought of starting my own unit is very appealing, but the major drawback is that I would likely have to locate it at a Marine Reserve Center, which is located approximately 45 minutes west of my home. I would also begin a battle with the local CO as many of his kids would defect to my unit. I really miss working with the kids and many of the military aspects of the program including close order drill. But I am also enjoying my free time and reduced stress. I have been discussing the idea with B but he has shown little interest in returning to the cadet group. It is unlikely that I will start a unit; but I wish I could. I just have to accept this choice and move on.