Coffee at the beach

Today I am enjoying my coffee whilst gazing out at the calm blue waters of the Atlantic Ocean. It is a beautiful, sunny morning and the sleepy little beach town has yet to wake up. With envy, I watch the charter boat captains navigating their fishing boats past the jetty en route to their favorite fishing spots in search of haddock, cod and flounder. A treasure hunter walks by me wielding his metal detector up and down the beach looking for lost gold and silver.

My treasure lies in this moment of appreciation.

Memorial Day

Today I sit outside my usual coffee shop. I have treated myself to a QUAD venti no-whipped mocha. It is a beautiful day in the town square and many people are scurrying around preparing for today’s events including a parade.

Yesterday was J's birthday and I did not speak one word to him. I am still seething with anger over his yelling and swearing at D and myself. Today I am working so I probably will not see him. I am very close to booting him out of the house. I have warned him countless times that I would not tolerate the way he yells and swears at us. However, I am very worried about what would happen to him with no place to live; but I feel like he is boxing me into the corner.

Yesterday D, B and I went to my in-laws camp to help them open it up. Afterwards I took B and my nephew out wake boarding. My nephew and I got up very quickly but B never did. I watched helplessly as he tried over and over to get up. I am sure he is incredibly frustrated. I plan to take him wake boarding real soon so he can work on his technique.

Shitty start

J's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we are trying work out some conflicting obligations. D committed us to opening her parents camp tomorrow and J told us some time ago that he had to be home at 4:00 on his birthday as some friends of his were taking him to Canobie Lake Amusement Park. So we planned to celebrate J's birthday at my inlaws camp getting him home by 4:00. This morning J told me that he was not going to open the camp because D told him we would not be home by 4:00. When I approached D about the situation it became obvious that she was more concerned about her parent’s camp than J's birthday and I told her so. I than approached J about rescheduling Canobie Lake and he started yelling and swearing at me. So I did what any red blooded American male would do; I went to work.

Hope

I continue to be plagued with a swollen and sore-ridden mouth and tongue. However, that is good news because I discontinued my anti-depressant four days ago so maybe something else is causing my oral affliction. I am hoping it may be the tooth whitener in my toothpaste. Time will tell...

Without my anti-depressant my world has turned to shades of grey. Nothing excites me and I struggle to stay focused and motivated.

The Masses of Men...

Thoreau had it right... So many of us are just trying to get through the day. Today I feel lousy... Day three of no meds and my mouth is still killing me. I also passed up my morning latte to put some more hours on the books. The only thing keeping me going now is the gym and concern over B's upcoming college expenses. I hope my week gets better.

Lost in thought

Once again I had to stop taking my antidepressant. My tongue and lips are swollen and sores are beginning to reappear. I made it through a 12 hour workday yesterday with no medication and I am hoping to do the same today. I have the Adderall but I am hoping I can remain emotionally stable without it.

I am starting to realize that I do not like thinking except when I am actively trying to resolve a problem at hand. D asked me to help her out with a word scramble when we were away but I quickly became frustrated and lost interest even though she clearly hoped we would solve it together. When I drive I avoid thinking by listening to talk radio. I should create a list of items requiring consideration and begin to develop my thinking skills.

Wasting away in Clickerville

Last Wednesday D and I went up north for a few days. We started at Mt Washington and then drove over to Camden ME. It was a great trip and we had a lot of fun.

However, yesterday I spent the entire day in Clickerville! J pissed me of in the morning and I never recovered. One day I will mourn the loss of that day.

Anniversary

Today I am in the Concord Starbucks on my way to the White Mountains with D. We are celebrating our 21st anniversary with a romantic getaway. It will be nice to have a couple of days off.

This morning I started taking my antidepressant again. The past two weeks I have been off the medication to allow my mouth time to heal up. The past few days have been tough emotionally. Life was beginning to look dark and meaningless. I am also very anxious about some issues on the home front including paying for B's college tuition and the termination of J's health insurance in a few weeks when he turns 18. I am hopeful that the medication will kick in quickly so I can better enjoy my time with D.

My Boy is Home!

I am so happy that B is home! We spent the entire weekend together doing chores, running and just hanging out. He is also very happy to be back with us. B loved his trip to France but he definitely missed being home. D is also thrilled to have him back. She was so excited Friday I thought she was going to explode!

B was speechless when he saw his newly decorated room. He loves the colors, the paint and the new floor. I hope he keep it cleaner now.

I have started working with the group home. My first project is to help them with a web page but I hope to be working with the kids in a few weeks when my background check is complete.

Thursday I predicted to D that I would be running the home one day. It should be an interesting path leading to that destination.

Feel Like Shit

I am in day two of a bout with tonsillitis. The pain had abated a bit yesterday but it is back in force today. I am also trying to get by on 30% of my usual antidepressant medication. While I am feeling run down emotionally and physically, I am functional and working through my weekend chores.

B called from France and he said that the trip was going well. Apparently his host family is keeping him busy. Yesterday he went to Strousberg and the day before to an amusement park. I really miss him :-(

We have stripped and prepped B’s room and will start painting it today.