Life after kids?

I am sitting outside the coffee shop, on the causeway up at the lake, watching life go by. My nephew (who loves to wakeboard) decided last minute that he was not coming up to the lake with us. B than informed us that because C was not going, he did not want to go either. I was heartbroken and pretty pissed. We walk the dog every morning during the school year in sub-freezing temperatures and hardly a week goes by that we don't talk about the lake. And, to make matters worse, he will likely be playing XBox all weekend. Oh well, D and I will have some qualit time to ourselves although J is coming up Friday.

Heat wave???

It is a hot day in the Town Square today. Temps are predicted to be in the mid 90's. It is almost too hot to be sitting outside the coffee shop drinking my hot coffee. I just cannot drink an iced drink this early in the morning.

Recently I attended a "Summerfest"at the adolescent home I volunteer at. After an hour or so I began to feel a little uncomfortable. I was completely at ease with the kids, but uneasy around the staff. I cannot pinpoint the source of my discomfort but I suspect it had more to do with me than the people around me.

Boston Java

I write this post from the Starbucks on Newbury St in Boston.  The "scenery" here is definately more upscale than the town square where I usually stop for coffee.This morning I ran a painful roadrace with B.  He went out too fast than died over the next two miles.  Instead of enjoying the time with my son I could only think about how much better he can do.  This was a race in my home town so I was probably more sensitive than usual. I am having my sisters over the house today.  I am down in Boston to pick one of them up.  I hope to have a pleasant afternoon although J is coming over so I never know what to expect.Please excuse the grammitical errors. 

Honest blogging

When I started this blog I was severely depressed to the point where I often thought about giving up on life. Since typing my first posting, I have been through a few lengthy cycles of severe to moderate depression. However, for the past few months I have been reasonably happy without the aid of medication (which makes me happy in itself). My blog serves as therapy for me and when I am feeling better emotionally I tend to neglect it.

Lately I have felt the need to work through some issues through my blog and suddenly I find myself editing my writing for my few loyal readers. Reluctant to share my vulnerabilities I have subconsciously left out details that highlight my insecurities, poor self esteem or lack of confidence. Afraid to be seen as a whiner, I sometimes lighten up my writings for the "benefit" of my readers. No more... From now on I will write for me. I hope people find it interesting, but if not, I can live with that.

Volunteerism

I feel like I am having a bit of a dejavu relative to the cadet group. I thought everything was going really well and than I receive an email from the CO sent out to all the staff announcing a meeting to discuss a realignment of the program. WTF!!! When I called him about it he said that what we were doing was not working and we needed to make some major changes. WTF?? Maybe he should have talked to me before announcing this to the whole group? I sent him an email suggesting that I should take a leave of abscence to give us both time to think about my role in the unit.

In contrast, I have become very comfortable at the adolescent home and I am clearly valued for my contribution.

Life is good

I have been med-free for about a month now and I am doing very well. Other than a bit of anxiety and irritability, I am leading a rather "normal" life. J is doing ok and has completed most of his community service. One of our neighbors agreed not to press charges against J so we have one burgalry charge left to deal with. B is enjoying his summer and hangs out with his friends most of the time. D seems content and we have been spending a fair amount of time together. She has also joined the cadet group so we spend time on related activities.

Next week I am on vacation in at the lake in Maine. I am hoping for good weather.

Cranking along

Today I feel irritable but very motivated. I worked into the early hours of the morning but even with four hours of sleep, I still have lots of energy.

I just had a very unpleasant encounter with an insurance adjuster who wrote up an estimate to repair the damage to my little sports car that was $2000 less than the one I got from the body shop. WTF!

J continues to accumulate community service hours and if he continues at this rate he will at least have a reasonable effort to report to the judge when he is called to do so. He still has one felony charge to deal with and a possible second felony charge if he does not pay my neighbor for the items that he stole.

Where is Clickerville?

“I feel like I've been in a coma for about twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.” (Lester Burnham, American Beauty). All my senses are heightened ( especially libido :) and even the smallest things give me pleasure. However, like Randle Patrick McMurphy (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), I fully expect my current blissful emotional state to pass; but I am ok with that. I will revel in the moment. I am suddenly very passionate about everything I do. And the coffee; OMG, it tastes so good and the caffeine buzz is extra strong. I do feel very irritable at times, especially at home, but I keep reminding myself that if I constantly bitch and obsess over the small things, I will drive everyone around me nuts and will be back on meds that much sooner.

One other note; I love D and will never do anything that could destroy what we have built over the past 25 years. Besides, I recognize the meaningless nature of the three minutes of pleasure I would trade for a life of regret. It comes with maturity and emergence from the cave.

Med-free zone

Today I am in a fabulous mood! We finally got some great weather and today is beautiful. I discontinued all my meds last week and am in that slightly manic post-med phase of the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Friday I went out with some kids from the adolescent home and a new staff member, L. We had a great time and I really enjoyed hanging out with the kids again. I have not been to the home in over a month. I had not spent any time with L previously and we seem to have an interesting (in a good way as long as we maintain our boundaries) connection. I really enjoyed talking with her and we have a lot in common even though I am probably more than 20 years her elder. I expect to be writing more about her in the future.

J is now out of the house and living on his own. I had to boot him out because I discovered he had stolen from another neighbor. He seems to be doing ok but he will likely spend some time in jail in the very near future. All I can do is watch him douse himself in gasoline hoping that he does not ultimately burn to death.

Time to fly on his own

Letter to my neighbors…

I am writing to inform you of a situation in our neighborhood involving J. I apologize for not being more specific about, and taking responsibility for, the events in question, but for legal reasons I cannot comment on the guilt or innocence of my son. J was arrested and charged with burglary for entering (without the owner’s permission) a house located on our street. Because of this, I recommend that you secure your house and any outbuildings when you are away from home. D and I are completely mortified and very, very sorry that you would be made to feel uncomfortable as a result of the alleged actions of my son. We also apologize for not contacting you earlier about this situation, but we were under the impression that someone on our street had already alerted all the residents living on the street.

On July 1st, D and I told J that he could no longer live in our house. He is also not allowed to come to our house unless we are home. If you see J on our street and we are not home, please call me or D.

Please do not hesitate to contact D or myself with any questions. However, please understand that for legal reasons, we are limited in what we can say. Once the legal issues have run their course we will do everything in our power to address any concerns you may have related to anything that J may have done.