Pissy Today

Tuesday night sucked.  D was in horrible pain all night and there's not a fucking thing I can do.  The sleepless evening seems to have pushed me into my all-to-typical bitchy-don't-give-a-fuck self.  Perhaps it was the visit with my Dad Sunday that fucked up my holiday spirit.  Or perhaps I've just run out of serotonin. The "why" doesn't really matter though.  I am completely anti-social, and of course, today is the company yankee swap and holiday luncheon that I may just blow off. 

I had to take a company picture a few weeks back and I felt a lot of time-pressure and rushed the shot.  I didn't have flash and shooting 40+ people is completely new to me.  The shot was for the company holiday card.  Yesterday, one of the owners informed me that they were not sending out the card even though they were printed, addressed and mostly signed.  She stated a few reasons but one of them was the off-color of the picture.  She's right.  I saw it and tried to correct but it was a little blue-ish. I couldn't push the kelvin any higher as it was too yellow. The devaluation of my photo stung.

I have so much to learn about photography and one of the single greatest challenges I face is the recognition that not everyone will like my work all the time.  This will of course be balanced against the many people that love my work...  But it's still hard to take.  I'll need a thicker skin if I'm going to shoot people. 

But back to the yankee swap.  I don't believe anybody really cares if I'm there.  It's my own fault though.  I don't pursue friendships with anyone at work.  I'm not really sure why, but I suspect it is tied to this deep-rooted sense that I'm not likable.  It's hard to shake it except with my friends.  Perhaps I'm just lazy in not pursuing friendships.  I've had opportunities, but except in isolated cases, I don't make it a priority.  And, I can be an ass at work.  I've little tolerance for people's ignorance and unwillingness to learn how to use technology.  I don't hide my disdain well.

Uncertainty

I have been going to the same coffee shop for about 12 years.  As a result, I have a lot of friends there so it can sometimes be difficult to work on pics or write anything.  Recently I have been spending some time at a different coffee shop that has beautiful views of the river, great coffee and an attractive owner.  Today's view includes a spectacular sunrise.

I've not written about D's health issues, but she has a serious condition that is causing her a tremendous amount of pain and difficulty.  The prognosis is unclear but most don't survive this particular affliction.  However, there is this possibility that she could get better, stabilize, and live a long life.  This means I am dealing with a massive amount of uncertainty.  However, today I decided, that if I should end up alone, I will buy a nice sailboat and travel the world.  I have slightly less uncertainty in my life now.

Priorities

I suspect today will be one of the last days I'll be able to sit outside and drink my coffee in the morning.  It's unusually warm and I understand there is a colder weather pattern en route.

I feel complacent this morning.  I have little energy and I'm feeling very anxious about finances as usual.  D has not worked since Jan and we have not made our payments to the IRS since then.  It's just a matter of time before they knock on my door.  What I should be doing is filling out the damn 433 form and negotiating a settlement with them.  I need to make this a priority.

Progress

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I've sketched out my goals and I'm committed to achieve them.

Yesterday after supper I spent a few hours in the garage working on my sled instead of watching TV.  Today I'm working on my finances. 

To be honest?

I stopped taking my medication about a week ago.  I want to see if I can get by without it.  I really haven't noticed a change.  I'm still pretty irritable but I did have a great day Saturday filled with motivation and a positive attitude. 

However, Saturday night, I lapsed into a foul mood when it became clear that I would have few people attending my planned super bowl party.  I decided to cancel it; partly out of anger but mostly out of convenience (avoided shopping, cooking, cleaning before followed by cleaning after.)  I purposely did not promote it on WasteBook because D is still recovering from a horrific bout of pancreatitus and I really didn't know if she would be up for a party. 

Following my cancellation I signed off all social media sites in a passive aggressive statement of disappointment in my friends.  That'll teach 'em. 

Yesterday I had a super productive day completing many chores around the house and showing B how to repair a sink drain in the bathroom.

D continues to get better but the end is no where in sight.  I get super annoyed when I have to take time off work to be with her or take her to doctors appointments.  Yeah, it's a little selfish but this is my fucking blog and where else can I be completely honest?