Camping?

I write this post from my in-laws somewhat plush, RV trailer located in the lakes region of central NH.  I am drinking Starbucks INSTANT coffee and we have no TV or Internet... and I like it.  It's no Walden pond, but it feels really nice to be away from the house.  We have been coming up for the past few weekends to prepare the trailer for the arrival of D's elderly parents.  Generally we help them open it, but decided to do it ourselves this year to spare them the effort.

Yesterday I took the cadet group for a hike south of Boston.  We had a great day and  I thoroughly enjoyed watching them navigate with map and compass using the skills that I taught them.

Write me in

Last night I went to my first writers group meeting.  The introductions went something like this:

Hello, my name is Ralph and I have been writing for 20 years as a reporter and columnist among other things.


My name is Liz and I just published my third book!

My name is Bob and I just retired after 40 years as a newspaper and magazine editor.


My name is Dirk and I have been writing for three months...

Eh, everyone laughed.  The truth  is, most of the members are new and everyone is very nice.  I look forward to the next meeting.  I was selected to present a writing at the next gathering and decided that I would not base the character on my life, but write something completely new.  Last night a wrote a page and it was a struggle!

Nice Mugs - Part VIII

“Well, aren’t you a little puritan,” Micayla says leaning back in her chair. 

“Look, I am just a simple man, from a small town in the back woods of Maine.  I like my truck with big tires, my boat with a fast engine and my woman with....”  I trail off. 

“Tits and a pussy?” Micayla says lifting her brow and displaying a sardonic grin. 

“Yeah, tits and a pussy.  THAT'S what I like”. 

“Let me guess...  You like big tits, right?” She sneers at me.  

“Actually, I like firm tits.”  I smile back at her. 

“Well then, you will like these,”  she says placing her hands under her apple-sized breasts. 

My face flushes and I quickly glance around the coffee shop.  Confident no one has seen Micayla’s provocative gesture, I stare out the front window while anxiously fidgeting with my hands.  Turning back to Micayla I say “Are they..... uh.... real?” 

"Real?" Micayla laughs loudly throwing her head back and banging her hand on the table "Real?" she says again.  "Define real?" She continues to laugh obviously enjoying my discomfort.

"You know what I mean." I say as I feel my face turns red.

“They are six thousand dollars worth of real,”  she replies proudly.  She hesitates for a moment studying my face.  “You want to touch them, don’t you?” 

“No... no, not at all,” I snap at her. 

Micayla laughs as she stares at me intently leaning her chair back.  Suddenly she leans in towards me so her face is six inches away from mine.  “It doesn’t make you gay you know.”  She smiles at me and leans back. 

I sit there saying nothing.  My head is swirling with a myriad of thoughts and emotions.

Making Movies!

Monday started out really rough, but progressively improved throughout the day.  I had no motivation  to work; most of the morning I focused on my writing instead. 

At 5:00, I met with a psychologist to discuss joining a men's therapy group he leads.  He considers me a good fit and the group starts in June.

I headed home from there as my boys were cooking dinner for me and D in celebration of our 24th wedding anniversary.  I was in a great mood and dinner was fabulous.  I spent the night writing while watching a movie with the family.

Checking my email later, I discovered that a local film producer invited me to help him produce a short film as part of the 48 Hour Film contest!  I was up until 3 AM thinking about scripts, but I am definitely a happy camper today!

Nice Mugs Part VII

“You know, I actually feel a bit relieved.” I said.  “The truth is, I am not really a “pick ‘em up” kinda guy.  When you asked me to sit down, I was a bit nervous about where this was going to go.  I am truly in love with my wife but, as you know, I have a wandering eye.   “Wow!  You have a really tough life Dirk”. Micayla looked at me sarcastically.  "Sorry, my petty little issues must seem trivial to you".  Micayla looked out the front window.  "No, not trivial.  Just normal.  My issues, on the other hand..." She drifted off.  "What was the end result of your lawsuit?" I asked.  "The judge said that I was anatomically a man, so I would have to use the male restroom.  But after a few beatings at the hands of the morally superior high school boys, I resorted to using the bathroom in the nurses office."  Micalya looked down at her cup.  “Micalya.”  She looked up into my eyes.  “I am sorry that happened to you.”  “Eh, it’s no big deal.  That which does not kill us...”  “So, do you have a... a boyfriend?”  “Why, are you interested?” Her eyes twinkled with delight.  “Sorry, I am married.  Otherwise...” I said pointing at my ring.  “Damn, all the good guys are either gay or taken”  “Aren’t you gay?” I asked. “Well, I guess if you want to get all technical about it.  Actually, if you really must know, I play for both teams.”  “Really?  Bow chica bow wow.”  “Yeah, some of the surplus equipment actually comes in handy.”  “Yuck!  To much information.” I hold up my hands feigning disgust.

Are we happy?

Somewhere inside of me, there is a happy man seeking liberation.  I have met this man on occasion, but I have not seen him in a long time.  I do most of the things that generally precede his appearance; exercise, act selflessly, take my vitamins, minimize stress and live a life that reflects my belief system.  But lately, he has been reclusive.  I met this man once when he was a young boy.  We met in a meadow filled with beautiful wildflowers that undulated in the warm breeze under a bright yellow sun.  Sparrows and meadowlarks whirled and turned in an aerial display above the gentle hills.  A crystal clear brook meandered through the field, babbling as it fell from rock to pool.  Tall, snow-capped mountains pierced the sky in the distance.  I watched the child as he ran through the field, brushing past colorful posies and sunflowers, happily laughing as he went, apparently without a care in the world.  I wondered, how can that be?  I was confused and bewildered as I had not expected this young person to be so happy.  I walked through the field and the boy approached me.  "Hello." he said in a clear bright voice.  He looks to be about six years old with bright blue eyes and longish blond hair.  "Hello." I replied.  "What is your name?" he asked.  "Dirk" I said.  "Hey, that's my name!" he replied with a broad smile.  "Yes."  I smiled back looking down at the young boy.  "It is a beautiful day." he said looking up at me with sparkling eyes.  "Yes, it is." I replied lifting my face to the sun.  "Well, it was nice to meet you Sir." said the boy extending his hand and looking up at my face.  "It was nice to meet you Dirk." I replied grasping his hand with a firm, but gentle grip.  "I have to go now." he said with a questioning look on his face.  "I know." I watched him as he ran off, zigzagging through the tall grass and wind-blown flowers without any apparent destination, eventually fading into the vibrant colors of the field.  I turned and began walking back.  "...three, two, one and your back with us now Dirk".  I opened my eyes and looked around the office.  The antique clock ticked loudly on the mantle as I attempted to get my bearings.  "How do you feel Dirk?"  I turned and my gaze rested on the middle-aged man seated across from me.  He had a notebook on his lap and a concerned look on his face.  "I met him." I said as my eyes began to well up.  He handed me a box of tissues which a waved away and instead rubbed at my eyes with my fists chocking back the tears.  "He was happy." I said haltingly.  "I don't understand.  I don't ever remember him being happy."

Happy Mothers Day.... D.

The wind is out of the north this morning making for a chilly jeep ride into town this morning. 

Saturday I worked all day and yesterday I split and stacked a cord of wood with some help from B who was home for Mothers Day.  D was pleasantly surprised when B knocked on the door at 7 AM carrying a plate of eggs and toast  for her. 

Watching B express his love for his Mom made me think about my mother.  I don't recall any details of celebrating Mothers Day with her, although I suspect I probably did.  But I would have done so out of sense of duty, not love.  When I think of my Mom, what come to mind are clinical terms that describe our relationship including failure to bond, abuse and abandonment.  I think that this condition, what some call "insecure attachment disorder" are  likely at the root of my many emotional challenges.  Perhaps there is some therapy that may address some of these issues.

A mixed bag

Wednesday I picked up my sister and brought her back to her apartment.  She is actually doing surprisingly well.  I am checking in with her daily now and hopefully we can head off any returns to the psych ward. 

I am actually doing a bit better myself.  Fuck the IRS...  I will figure this shit out somehow.  I am getting a bit of my focus back so perhaps I can rally myself to actually find some new business and make even MORE money  so I can pay even MORE taxes...  Fuck me.

J decided that mud truck racing was more important that than being home for Mothers Day.  He did get her a card and gift but I am becoming very suspicious of the source of his cash, especially when he pays me his snowmobile payment in crisp $100 bills.  When I asked him where he got the money, he said he saved it.  Yeah, bullshit.  I  predict a battle in the very near future.  I am not taking money that he did not earn honestly.  I hope I am wrong.

Last night I drove all the way to B's college to pick him up in the jeep so that he could come home and get his car as he plans to surprise his mom tomorrow morning with breakfast in bed.  What a good boy...