Fuck You!

Dear Dad,

I am doing pretty well, thanks.  You have not heard from me in a while because I am really struggling with our relationship.  I spend a lot of time with R and as I watch her struggle to simply survive day to day, I become very angry with you.  I don't understand how you can completely ignore, and have no apparent interest in your own daughter!  Based on what I have been told, you are completely responsible for the trauma that destroyed her life and yet you take no responsibility for your actions or, deny what you have been accused of.  So that leaves me with a gaping wound that will not heal with time alone.  So forgive me if I don't contact you on a more regular basis.  I am probably too busy driving down to one of the many psychiatric hospitals R has been admitted to, or perhaps I am visiting her in the hospital after she broke her leg when she fell down for no apparent reason.  I might be just spending the day with her trying to be a good brother helping her to find some reason to continue on with her incredibly difficult existence as she tries to answer the question "why did this happen to me?"  I am sure you are very busy with your house in Florida and all the money your wife inherited.  Your probably occupied with planning how to spend the rest of your retirement while I encourage R to simply venture from her apartment and play bingo with the ladies that live in the building. 

I will try to be a better son, but I am awfully busy being a good brother.

Dirk

Folgers Weekend

D and I spent the weekend up in Rangely ME with friends.  They have a beautiful place on Mooselookmeguntic Lake right in the heart of snowmobiling country.  D hung out with her friends while our host took me out for some of the best sledding of my life.  However, he liked the rough back-country trails and my sled is really not made for that type of terrain.  However, with a little persuasion (and a lot shoveling) we managed to get through the trails. 

The deer and moose signs were everywhere (I had moose shit on my sled) and we often had to reduce speeds or risk running into one of these big creatures.

It was almost surreal coming home and realizing it was time to rake the yard as we had been post-holing in 3 - 4 feet of the white stuff every time we ventured off trail for the past three days.


Sledding season is over for me and J, and while it was a great one, I am looking forward to the warmer weather.

PS.  Why the title "Folgers Weekend"?  That was their coffee brand... Yuck :-)  The best part of waking up is definitely NOT Folgers in your cup.  Yes, I am a coffee snob.

Raising J

"How many of hours of community service do you have left to complete?" I asked J as I drove him to work.  I don't normally like to have difficult conversations with him before he starts his work day, but I am quickly heading into panic mode with March 31 (the last day for him to finish his community service) looming in about two weeks.  "I have 28 hours left" he replied.  I know he did not do any community service this past weekend and I am really pissed about it.  "J, I am going to lose my mind" I said in an exasperated voice.  "I am literally going to have a nervous breakdown because you are making a really bad decision and you will be going back to jail" I continued.  He sat there without saying anything.  I could see that he was pissed but I didn't care anymore.  I had to shake him into reality so that he would realize how incredibly stupid he was acting.  "Dad, I have a plan; I will get it done" he said.  "I assume your plan is to work for the Park/Rec dept?" I asked.  "What if they manager is on vacation next week?  What if he can't give you work?  What if you end up in the hospital because of your back?  Your cutting this way to close and your risking your freedom for... for...  what?" I sputtered.  At that I shut up and pulled into the gas station so he could get his coffee.  When he got back to the car I was quiet for a few minutes then I said quietly "J, I just don't want you to go back to jail".  We drove in silence for a few more minutes then I asked him some questions about work to try and get him back into a better frame of mind before we arrived at his worksite. 

Recently I had a conversation with D about adopting an older child.  Perhaps I should rethink that... 

Called to Serve

It is a quiet day in the town square today.  I was able to park directly in front of the coffee shop.  I suspect people are having a difficult time with their morning routines due to the transition to daylight savings time. 

I enjoyed teaching the cadets winter survival techniques this past weekend.  We made Quinzee's (snow caves)  but unfortunately, with the warm weather we could not sleep in them because as I was concerned about the snow house collapsing in the middle of the night.  We still slept outside with temps in the mid thirties.  We went for a snowshoe hike after dark under the watchful gaze of the crescent moon.  The woods were drenched in the moonlight and out we could see perfectly without flashlights.  I really enjoy spending time with the kids.  My former 1st Sargent has left the program, but came back as an officer to help out.  As we were preparing to leave he said to me "Officer E, earlier today you challenged us to live the life of our dreams.  I want you to know that I dream about becoming just like you."  I stepped back for a moment and looked at this young man and who he had become.  Wearing civilian clothes and sporting a close-shaven beard and mustache, he was unlike the young adolescent I first met many years ago.  He was shipping out to Paris Island in July to begin a new phase of his life as a Marine.  While I was proud of the influence I had upon him (although I was extremely disappointed he did not go to college before the military) I couldn't help but wonder if I would one day receive that phone call that no one involved with the military ever wants to get.  "Thank you Morales" I said as I extended my hand.  "I am sure you will make us proud".  While I was saddened to see him put in harms way, I knew that the skills I had taught him would make him a better Marine.

Back with the cadets

This weekend I am taking the cadets up to a friends property in the White Mountains for a winter survival trip. 
They have done most of the planning of the event and I am really looking forward to it. We will be making Quinzees (snow caves) to sleep in, as well as learning  how to make a fire from flint and steel.  Sunday I will  teach them how to cook scrambled eggs using nothing more than boiling water and a ziploc bag.  We have a new staff member that is very interested in outdoor and survival activities and he will be coming along with us.  

Spring soon?

It raining in the town square today.  The snow banks are quickly receding and we will be back sitting out on the sidewalk before you know it.  They are still  getting snow up north so the winter survival encampment I am planning for the cadet group should go well next week.

It was nice to see  B for the past few days, although we really did not do much together as I have been working  non-stop.  He continues to talk about grad school and his plans to be a doctor which makes me very happy.

Prayers answererd...

Dear God,

I am sorry I was so pissed off at you when B got sick and had to come home early from his Spring Break Alternative trip.  I am still supremely disappointed, but I acknowledge that I am a mere mortal with little to no knowledge of your grand plan. 

However, I am VERY, VERY grateful that B has been selected as an RA for next year, entitling him to free room and meals.  I prayed to you to help me find a way to pay for his tuition, and you responded in kind.  Thank you...

Testing my faith...

We received a call from B.  He has a fever of 103 and we have to pick him up from his spring break alternative trip.  This fucking sucks!  Why in the world would God deny him this opportunity?  I am so fucking pissed right now.