Goals

I have been spending a lot of time lately  thinking about my goals and why I don't really have any.  I have come to the conclusion that I am not prepared to make the sacrifices and changes necessary to achieve whatever goals I set for myself.  So I am going to set some goals that are about changing the behavior that impedes my ability to achieve my goals.

If you don't know where your going, any road will get you there. -Lewis Carroll

I stare out the frost-coated window of the coffee shop, watching delivery men shuffle boxes from their trucks to the many storefronts lining the town square.  I long to be curled up in the warmth of my bed next to my lovely wife.  The clanging of baking pans, as Lucy pulls fresh muffins out of the oven, brings me back to reality.  Soft jazz plays from the black speakers haphazardly attached to the walls.  The music makes me think about who I am, and whom I want to be.  This morning I did not go to work after I dropped J off.  Instead, I drove to the downtown park and napped till the sun began to peak over the shipyard across the river.  As I awoke from my snooze, I could see and hear seagulls calling out to one another in the early morning light as they whirled and turned searching for breakfast on this calm windless morning.  I could hear the lapping of his wake against the rivers edge as a fishermen piloted his hardy New England style vessel down river heading for the open ocean.  I suspect he is happier this morning as forecasters predict temperatures in the mid-thirties today; a balmy change compared to the zero-degree days we have been enduring.

As I sit here, I contemplate my place in this world.  Up until last Fall, my whole life revolved around being a father, or so it felt.  Now I seem to be solely focused on making money to pay for  B's tuition.  While important and admirable, it doesn't offer the same emotional payback that motivated me on a daily basis.  Now I feel lost, and in some ways, unimportant.  Tomorrow I will work on my goals... definitely... for sure.

More snow... again.

The coffee shop is quiet this morning.  I am the only customer sitting down and there are few people getting their morning elixir to go.  Last night we received another six inches of snow.  I think we have received five to six feet of snow already this year.  I know I am in the minority, but I like the snow.  After all, we live in New England.  Of course, with my interest in boarding and snowmobiling, I may be a bit biased.  I actually enjoy plowing as well.  Not the commercial plowing I used to do, but just my driveway and those of my immediate neighbors.  There is something incredibly gratifying about manhandling my 38 year-old jeep into pushing up monstrous banks of snow.  It is  incredible how much snow it will push for such a small vehicle.  When I was a child, I used to draw pictures of plow trucks...  Not really sure why, but apparently I am living that dream now.

I have been struggling to focus on my goals as of late.  I am not sure why, but I just can't seem to get back into the process of writing them up and then revisiting them every month or so.  I think it may be because I don't have a lot of faith in my ability to achieve them.  I get brief periods of enthusiasm but overall, I have been pretty sedate.  Perhaps tomorrow I will at least write them down.

I have a dream

I listened to Pres. Obama deliver the State of the Union yesterday, and I was somewhat inspired by his speech.  I often wish that we lived in a society where the people genuinely cared about their fellow man more then money, power and influence.  I believe that our president has a genuine interest in helping others and I think it is unfortunate that so many, spend so much effort trying to undermine his efforts.  I am not taking sides on any particular issue; I am not sufficiently knowledgeable about many of the challenges we face as a Nation such as health care.  I just think that those that oppose him often do so for the betterment of their own particular agenda, not the people they represent.  In the end, how much does it really matter?  Years ago, I think it mattered less.  However, today the wealthy and powerful have much more direct influence in our lives then ever before.  Surrounded by highly intelligent advisers, many are able to influence and or benefit from the rapidly changing financial system while the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves unaware of foundational changes that are occurring on an almost daily basis.  I think that it is sad that a hard-working American works and saves his entire life, making sacrifices in hopes that he will enjoy some  level of comfort when he retires, only to find his savings wiped out in a flash, forcing him to return to the work  force performing some menial task such as bagging groceries.  There has to be a better way...

I need a date

It is a beautiful day in the town square this morning.  The sun reflects brightly off a fresh coat of new snow that is covering everything.  Gone, for  the moment, are the dirty streets with their black and gray snow banks.  I have been praying more lately and the fact that I notice that it is a nice day, makes me think that perhaps God is listening.  If I come home to a hot, young Swedish housekeeper, then I will know God  is listening!

I recently hired someone to help me out at work and she is proving to be an incredibly bright woman with a great sense of humor.  We have a lot in common and I really enjoy working with her.  It is nice to have someone to talk with during the course of the day.  I think D will be staying in Florida till Monday so I will probably ask my new friend to go to the company party with me.  She seems shy and I suspect she may be troubled by some emotional issues.  Hopefully she will feel comfortable hanging out with a bunch of people she hardly knows.

Go for it

Yesterday we picked up another 6 inches of snow then a couple inches of freezing rain on top of that.  My driveway is a skating rink.  Walking to the coffee shop this morning, I was able to display my keen sense of balance as I slid my way across the ice covered cobblestones.

I have an important meeting today at work.  I am presenting a review of IT performance and finances for 2010 and my plans and budget for 2011.  I have often set challenging, but reasonably safe goals for IT, but given that the company is bigger now then ever before, I think it is time for me to step up.  I am proposing that my client make a significant investment into an Enterprise Project Management solution.  I am a bit  nervous because I am still working my way through a document management solution we implemented last year, but I think that the iron is hot and I truly believe that this solution will fundamentally improve the way my client conducts business.

Settling into Winter

Wednesday I dropped D off at the airport and she will be in Florida with her parents till Saturday.  Yesterday I dropped B off at school.  This morning I dropped J off at work.  Maybe I should get a job as a limo driver :-)

Saturday I went sledding with J.  We had a fun day.  The conditions were fair but I enjoy spending time with J.  The guys from the TV show Black Ops Brothers Howe and Howe were actually in the parking lot packing up their sleds when we returned from our ride.  We did not approach them out of  respect for their privacy.

Big Snow

I am staring out the window of my old coffee shop, looking at almost a foot of snow on the ground and it is still coming down hard.  I had to get up at 5:15 to bring J to work only to have him bitch about it.  It took us 45 minutes to travel six miles.  My windshield wipers were not working properly and they were making an obnoxious scraping sound that was driving my practically out of my skin.  I got to work and realized that in all the commotion of getting out of the house this morning I left my computer, wallet and phone.  Fuck me... 
Thankfully my wife had her wits about her and gave my crap to the neighbor I work with.  I feel much better now. 

Lately I have been in  a bitchy mood.  I am once again drowning financially which is ironic because I am making more money now than at any point in my life.   Between surprise repair bills, tuition and the IRS, I don't have a pot to piss in.  Oh well...  I need to just relax a little bit.

Movie day

Yesterday, B and I went to see the movie "The Fighter".  It was an excellent film that both of us thoroughly enjoyed.  My background  is not dissimilar (at least from a familial perspective)  from that of the lead character.  As such, I was once again reminded of my incredible good fortune.  Last night, B and I began to watch the HBO mini-series "Pacific".  B, noticing the aloofness of a Dad as he was dropping off his son at boot camp, initiated a discussion about the various types of father-son relationships.  I explained that back in the forties, many father's felt uncomfortable expressing emotion in front of the sons, preferring to remain stoic thus maintaining an illusion of control.  I enjoy talking with B and I believe that we have a great relationship due in part to my willingness to tell and show B exactly how I feel.   

Holiday Blues

The holidays are finally over, and while I enjoyed them, I am happy to be done with all the stress associated with this time of year.  D loves the holiday season and I could see sadness in her eyes yesterday as she took down, boxed up and put away all the Christmas decorations.  All except for the snow globes I have given her over the years.  This year I demanded that she leave them out all year to remind her of the holiday season.

Friday I went sledding with J in Rangely ME.  It was a 3.5 hour trip both ways but the conditions were good and we had a great  day on the trails.  We are an odd couple; him with his $10,000 sled and all the expensive riding gear I have purchased for him over the years.  I ride a 16 year-old sled wearing ski pants and jacket.  I don't really care that much though because my money is going to B's education and maybe, one day, to J's.