One day before vaca?

Last night I worked till 10:30 and this morning I was up at 5:00 to bring J to work.  I have been working a lot of hours lately and I am definitely feeling worn down.  B's next tuition payment is due in two weeks and I am falling behind on my bills. However, nothing inspires me more then to hear B tell me he is thinking about pre-med. 

My sciatic nerve has been preventing me from running and riding my bike.  I am very frustrated by this limitation and I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon in a couple of weeks.  I had an x-ray done that came back negative so I went to PT for 6 weeks.  When that failed to remedy the problem, I had an MRI done that came back showing a "floater" in or near my spine.  So now I may need back surgery which I am loathe to do. 

Time and place

It is a strikingly beautiful day in the town square this morning.  The time is 6 AM and the local coffee shop was not yet open, so I tucked my tail between my legs and went to the chain shop I previously frequented.  Sitting outside now, on the opposite side of the street, I am enjoying my $5.99 quad-venti-no-whipped mocha.  The sun has just emerged from behind the  brick-covered buildings on the west side of the square and I am basking in its brilliant glory.  I can hear the fountain gurgling across the street and the calls of pigeons and seagulls welcoming the day.  The town square has a personality that changes with time, day and season.  At this moment it feels like a cocoon, warm, inviting and comfortable, causing one to linger longer then he should.  However, the hammer and anvil call from the distance, reminding us of responsibility and commitment.  But the soft warmth of the early morning sun, and the faint sound of water splashing against the basin, soothes our senses, causing rebellion against the call of duty.  Alas, my cup is empty and I must leave this moment in time.

Early morning

This morning I was up at 5:00 to take J to his new job.  After I dropped him off, I went to the adolescent home to work in the garden for a half hour.  Now I am at the coffee shop typing on my Droid because my laptop battery is dead.  There is a cool breeze blowing through the town square this morning.  It is a nice change from the hot humid days we have endured for most of the summer thus far. 

Saturday I worked for most of the day except for a few hours when I brought pizza and ice over to the boys at the adolescent home.  I played basketball with them after lunch then back to work.

Tonight I go fishing with J.  Let's hope the fish gods favor me.

College tuition due

Work, work and more work.  Puck me... 

Sloth-like?

It is a beautiful day in the town square this morning.  Bright and sunny with a cool breeze out of the east.  I really enjoy writing my posts from the shaded patio of the local coffee shop on days like this.  The chain shop I previously frequented only had two tables sitting outside in the bright sun.

I am becoming more attentive to my frequent feelings of indignation.  These self-righteous thoughts often occur while driving, in response to perceived injustices committed by fellow drivers.  In some cases the offense affects me directly (someone cuts me off) but in other cases, I was not slighted in anyway but still harbor middle-finger feelings towards the driver.  As a case in point, the gentlemen sitting at the table next to mine is feeding the annoying little starlings that harass the patrons here.  These opportunistic flying rats will brazenly take food directly off your plate. Anyone familiar with Pavlovian logic knows not to feed the fucking birds.  Or, the woman that was ensconced between displays at Walmart,  an inventory scanner dangling from her wrist, watching another older woman on her hands and knees hurriedly scanning products.  I know for a fact that she remained in that sloth-like position for over twenty minutes while her co-worker slaved away.  Why should I care?  They say "let go, let God..."  I need to work on that.  Wait!  Who is pulling in that handicap spot?  She does not look paralyzed to me.  Damn.....  She can walk just fine!  Bitch!

ECT free?

Yesterday my sister was released from the psych hospital.  She seems to be in good spirits.  This is the first time she has recovered from a bout of severe depression without using ECT.  She is back in her apartment, which is a hothouse as she has no AC and only one small window.  I told her to look into what model air conditioner would fit in her window and she can do some work for me to earn enough money to purchase one. 

Last night I went fishing with J but we did not make it very far.  Some major thunderstorms swept through the region so I was reluctant to venture too far offshore.  Apparently some of the storms were packing 60 mph winds and golf ball sized hail.  We still had a great time though.  The lightning often struck out cloud to cloud generating multiple branch strokes that were amazing too watch.  Eventually the cloud to earth lighting arrived and we left the boat for the cover of a gas dock until it passed.

I

This past weekend was a busy one.  Between multiple parties and picking up friends at the airport, I was wiped by the time my head hit the pillow last night.  This week will also be jam packed with lots of work and a trip to see my sister.  It is good to be busy though.  Less down time means less time for negative thought.

Don't read this

Don't waste your time reading this blog entry.  It won't be exciting, interesting or unique.  It will  be just like all  the other ones I have written recently because my life just doesn't change much and I have little appreciation for my good fortune.  I thrive on brief bouts of immediate sensual gratification.  Coffee mostly...  Along with other self-indulgent behavior...  Like M & M's and Mountain Dew.  And other things... occasionally.  I really enjoyed hanging out with the kids from the adolescent home the other day.  I also had fun camping with the cadets a few weeks back.  Put me outside with teenagers and I am a happy camper. 

What I really need to do is pay more attention to D.  I am incredibly lazy when it comes to or relationship.  Our intimate life is ....  well.... dutiful.  Maybe I need to read Kama Sutra.  We lead largely separate lives... which is ok for the most part.  We have dinner once or twice a week and go and do something once or twice a month.  Guess I should add this to my Top Five Goals list...  

Inuit form of transportation

Yesterday I went kayaking with twenty kids from the adolescent home.  It was overcast and rainy most of the day, but we had a fabulous time anyway.  I know all the male residents and some of the females and I connected with a couple of the females I did not know.  I felt very comfortable yesterday and I want to do more with the kids. 

Fishing and family

I am lucky that I did not live in a culture that relied on fishing as a means to make a living and feed ones family.  While I seem to be getting better at the "sport" of fishing (we can at least catch bait-fish), I still pretty much suck if you judge me on results.  Thankfully, when I go out on the boat with rod in hand, it is more about spending time with my son then bringing home dinner.

Thursday I went down to Boston to visit my sister who is currently residing at a psychiatric hospital.  It was a rough, highly emotional meeting that included her doctor.  She is completely obsessed with the past; reliving the pain of everything she believes she did wrong.  I spent way too much time talking and need to be a better listener.  She left her home when her kids were young, mostly due to chronic depression.  She did her best to support her kids but  was often unable to be there when they needed her.  She is now all but ostracized from her family and I have been trying to help her rebuild the relationships with her children.  I have emphasized that she maintain constant, but not annoying, contact with them using email, phone calls and letters.   I have advised her not to expect them to reciprocate anytime soon, but to be patient and persistent.  However, she felt that her efforts would  be unwelcome so she did little to nothing to change the situation.  I will continue to support her anyway that I can including a trip down there today.

Be quiet and drive

Who the fuck honked their horn?  I looked frantically in my rear view mirror trying to identify the offender.  There is no logical reason for anyone to honk their horn here.  The light is still red and there are no vehicles driving in the opposite direction that would warrant such a breach of etiquette.  We are all lined up, waiting for our turn to pass through the intersection.  Each of us ensconced into our cookie cutter sedan, SUV, hybrid, or in my case, obnoxiously large truck; vehicles that reflected our particular personalities, on our way to work.  It was neat and orderly until someone had to step out of line and interrupt the flow of things.  Maybe it was an accident...  Their hand slipped after adjusting the radio station.  But usually you will see one driver looking sheepish, hands palm up pointing towards the sky, of which there was none.  I could see other drivers peering around, also looking for the individual responsible for creating this mayhem.  But then the light turned green and we were moving again.  I quickly pressed on the accelerator moving my vehicle forward knowing that the slightest delay would be cause for the driver behind me to beep his horn, telling me to move along.

Shocked or not

My sister called yesterday to tell me she checked herself into a psych ward 11 days ago.  I had called her the day before she was admitted and she told me she was doing ok.  Apparently she did not want to upset me by telling me the truth about how she felt.  At least she is safe.  The upside is that her doctor is very concerned about the number of ECT treatments she has had and has advised her to discontinue that treatment. I expect I will be traveling to Boston in the next day or so to visit with her and meet her new doctor.

Shift your paradigm

What does it take to develop a real appreciation for the lives and opportunities that we have?  Most of our time is spent (consciously or subconsciously) wishing we were doing something different.  In my entire life, I can remember only a few occasions where I was truly living in the moment.  Does somebody have to die?  Do we need to experience a traumatic injury or illness?  Why does it always take a "life-changing event" to change our lives?  Can one begin to meaningfully change their life through sheer self discipline and desire?  I have made many little changes to my life, but I still grind through the day with little emotion, living on bits of immediate sensual gratification; some of which are not healthy physically and or emotionally.  Today I changed coffee shops; maybe tomorrow I can change something meaningful.

Betrayal

Today I am drinking my four shot mocha at the locally owned coffee shop, not Starbucks.  The catalyst for the switch was a recent price increase that propelled the cost of my regular drink to more than $6.  This is just too much when I need to come up with $80,000 over the next four years.

Boooooooorrrrrrrriiinnngggg!!!!!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah...  that really is the essence of my postings as of late.  While I am happy to be free (for now) of chronic depression, I miss the experiencing the powerful emotions that came with it.  (I know, that's fucked up, right?) I live a good life; I just don't FEEL much.