Carpe Diem... Not!

Most days, for me, start around 5 AM when I begin to awaken.  As I slowly lift my head and turn to glance at my bedside clock through a half-opened eye, I feel an immediate desire to return to sleep. Satisfied that I have a few moments before I must toss the covers aside, I press my head back into the pillow then toss and turn fitfully in attempt to delay, what I am sure will be, a miserable day.  Sleep, like death, frees us from our earthly responsibilities. In my slumber, I find relief from guilt, shame and responsibility.  It is little wonder that I do not leap from my bed in joyful excitement ready to slay dragons and save the world. 

Medieval medicine...

Yesterday D and I spent the day with my sister R in Boston.  We visited the typical tourist hangouts including the Aquarium, Faneuil Hall, Boston Common and Newbury St.  I believe my sister enjoyed herself.  R experienced a horrific trauma as a child, and as a result has spent the past 20 or so years in a state of severe clinical depression.  I know that spending time with her is a good thing, but is that enough?  I feel like I should be more involved with her life but frankly, I am more comfortable helping the kids from the adolescent home then working  with her.  Does that make me a bad person?  We should always put family first, right?  I am not sure why I am not more motivated to help here.  I suspect some of my reluctance comes from having to relive my own childhood.  I also become very angry with my father when I see what he did to her.  I am going back down Friday to meet with her ECT doctor to discuss her treatment.  R's memory is very damaged and her general reasoning abilities have steadily declined over the years.  She receives ECT (electro convulsive therapy) 2 - 3 times per month.  She believes that ECT is the only treatment that provides relief to her depression.  I suggested EMT (Electro Magnetic Therapy) but apparently her insurance will not pay for it.  I cannot believe in this day and age we are still employing a practice that involves sending 200 watts of electricity through somebody's brain.

Writing...

I am trying to learn how to be a better writer.  Most of the websites I visit for writing tips say that one way to become a better writer is to write more often and that blogging is a good way to practice writing.  But what happens when you lack the creative thoughts that underlie all good writing?  Then you write boring posts on how you are trying to become a better writer. 

Four months and counting

B made his college selection over the weekend.  He will be attending St. Anselm College in Manchester NH. As a member of the cross country team, he will be leaving us the second week of August to begin training.  He and I talk often about how I will be lost without him.  This morning as we walked A, I told him that one morning he will hear a dog barking outside of his dorm and say "wow, that sounds just like my dog".  He will look out the window and I will be standing outside ready for our morning walk. 

Mr. Fixit...

It is a sunny and beautiful this morning down in the town square.  The air still has a chill to it from the overnight but spring is slowly but surely pushing her way into New England.

This morning B and I had a nice discussion while walking A.  "So, I brought up an idea to the student council for this years spring fling" B said as we  walked along.  "But the student council president did not like the idea even though everyone else did" B continued.  "So your locked in a power struggle with the him" I replied.  I said a lot of other things having to do with ego, what is best for his constituency and winning the war vs the battle.  Finally, B stopped, looked at me and said "Dad, sometimes it would be nice if you just listened instead of trying to fix everything.  Mom says the same thing about you".  He is right... I am always the mechanic when I should be an empathetic listener.  I smiled and told him I was sorry.  I am really happy that he is comfortable speaking his mind to me.

Grow up Dirk

Yesterday I had a fabulous day boarding with B.  This follows what was an absolutely miserable Saturday mainly because I can be a self-absorbed, oversensitive fuckwad.  Maybe there is something wrong with my brain, but only I have the ability to retrain it to operate properly.  I  have to stop getting so worked up when things don't go my way.  When I let the negative nanny loose in my mind, I can quickly find myself wallowing in self pity which instantaneously morphs into depression.

Yesterday was my best day boarding ever.  I started out a little slow, as I am favoring my back, but as the day progressed I started riding faster on more difficult trails including black diamonds.  I enjoyed talking with B, the weather was absolutely perfect and I was definitely loving life.  I think, for a moment, I was happy.  Imagine that... 

No boarding for me

Last night B, D and I were out separately and we all arrived home at approximately 10:30.  The three of us were standing in the kitchen and I was munching on homemade oatmeal cookies when B said "Dad, I am not sure that I want to go boarding tomorrow."  "Really" I replied after taking a gulp of milk.  "Why is that" I asked reaching for another cookie.  "I just don't really feel like it.  I want to go when other people can go" he said.  I did not say anything for a moment but I was crushed.  I had been looking forward to this trip all week. I had brought my board in for an adjustment and I was expecting the snow conditions to be great.  "Is there any reason we can't go Sunday" B asked.  "No, but the best day will definitely be Saturday.  The slopes will get pretty beat up tomorrow with the warm weather they are predicting.  You have to let me know tonight what you want to do.  I don't plan on getting up early if we are not going boarding" I said.  That was the last I heard from him.  This morning I remained in bed until 10:00 watching a movie then I immediately got dressed and left for work.  I am in a foul mood and I am seething with disappointment.  This fucking roller coaster of emotions is really taking a lot out of me.  I hope things get better.

J's coming home...

Today I am down at the beach as I am visiting a client near nearby.  It is a sunny day with a brisk northwest wind.  Recently an entire block burnt down right on the main strip here.  It is sad as there was a couple of companies lost that have been in business for fifty years or more.

J will be released from jail at the end of the month.  We have agreed to let him stay with us for a while.  I told him that he could live with us again if he went back to school.  I think he might try to go to the local community college.  I am hopeful that he will be successful at school but I am also remaining realistic given his rocky history with the education system.  I am completely stressed out about J living with us again.  I really hope that his behavior and decision making will improve, but again, I am realistic given his history with the parental system.