Multitasking

Working in IT, for yourself, has it's benefits. I just watched "Shrink" with Kevin Spacey on Netflix while building servers and workstations. Not bad work if you can get it. What a great movie... Kevin Spacey brings so much depth to his characters.

Why do I prefer dark, sad movies over bright, happy ones? Is that a bad thing... Like a character flaw? Maybe it is just me... Maybe......... its ok...

I wonder if fixing people is so much different than fixing computers. The troubleshooting process is similar. Be a good listener, with empathy, patience and a tolerance for accepting the situation whatever it is. I think I would be good at it... I can certainly relate to a lot of people in difficult circumstances. The people I have counseled thus far seem to benefit from time spent with me. However, with computers, you can tune people out for a while if you like. If I was to become a therapist, I probably would not have that option. I am not sure I could handle the failures. When I computer proves unfixable I throw it away. When a young adult proves unfixable, such as continually making bad decisions, I am not sure how I would handle that. It is good that I move slowly with my involvment at the adolescent home. It give me lots of time to consider all the implications of becoming a social worker responsible for peoples lives. That is a far greater responsibility than making sure the server doesn't crash.

Tough love

It is a cool fall day in the town square today. I am fairly energetic and my mood is good. This morning I walked A with D as B had to go to school early. D and I are recovering from a couple days of being annoyed with each other and it is good to get past that.

It was a sunny, summer-like day yesterday with temps approaching 80. For lunch I treated myself to a delicious sandwich and coffee sitting out in the square basking in the sun.

J has been asked to leave the house he is currently living in. He came to my house yesterday asking me to cosign a lease but I declined to do so. He is not working and has no means to pay for an apartment. I asked him again about the military or a volunteer group such as Peace Corps but he said he was not interested. Now he says that because I will not cosign, he will be living on the street. I will stand by the sidelines for now and see how things pan out.

Learning the ropes

The past two days have been fan-fucking-tastic! I am learning how to become a ropes course instructor with the staff from the adolescent home. I feel incredibly comfortable with everyone there and I am confident that most, possibly all of the staff are comfortable with me. I have not shed my type-A, alpha male characteristics, but I have tempered my vocal contribution to a reasonable one. In other words, I am trying very hard to be hyper-respectful to others and their opinions. I think this is an incredible new growth opportunity for me and I am thrilled it is related to my efforts working with adolescent kids. I was also told that I can now take kids off-site without supervision from staff. I have already made plans to do so with the most difficult male at the home that I have a particularly good rapport with.

Be here, be now...

Mindfulness is easier said than done. I am constantly queuing myself to come back to the moment. But, I am enjoying a much better mood recently and I believe that is due partly to my focus on the present moment.

Friday I helped my in-laws winterize their trailer. We were sitting down by the lake, when I noticed an unusually tepid wind. It was a cool fall wind at heart, but passing over the water, it gathered thermal remains of the recent late summer sun alternately warming and chilling my face and body. Rustling the leaves upon the beach, it bent the trees in a soft undulating motion. Stirring up ripples on the lake, the gentle breeze threw sparkles of sunshine bouncing across the surface of the water. I sat there motionless, with a clear mind devoid of meaningless thoughts, letting the wind caress my senses living very much in the moment.

nice day

Today I am drinking coffee in the little college town of Durham NH. I am heading up to the Lakes region with D to close her parents trailer. It is a beautiful Fall day and the trees are beginning to change already.

Yesterday I basically resigned from the Cadet group. I am working hard to reduce stress in my life and the Cadet group was one of the largest sources of stress. I may still help out but I will no longer be involved in running the unit.

A better day

This morning I woke up feeling optimistic. OMG, right? It would appear that my focused effort to lift my spirits is yielding some positive results. I actually found myself laughing with B as we walked A this morning. I worked on my bills yesterday (which I HATE) and thought a lot about how to deal with the massive list of neglected items that need my attention. I have started to write the list down and will work through it methodically such as dealing with one unfiled tax year per month.

I am also going back to the Buddhist temple to continue exploration of that spiritual path. I believe there is something beneficial to the Buddhist lifestyle and I am determined to stay with it.

I have expanded my mantra from yesterday... Think with purpose or purposely don't think.

Oh, in keeping with my goal of improving my self-discipline, I ordered a plain old coffee from the coffee shop today and discovered that I do not like Pikes Place roast. :-(

Can the Buddha help?

Think with purpose... That is my new mantra. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this malaise and constant negative thoughts exacerbate my sullen mood. And, I have a lot of serious challenges that I should be contemplating instead. When I am out in public, my attention often drifts from woman to woman as they cross my path. The ones I find especially interesting for whatever reason tend to occupy my thoughts for a bit longer as I spin a mini fantasy involving me and her. These fantasies sometimes include intimacy but most often center around a lifestyle change where I am suddenly unburdened from all of my present day responsibilities and she and I dive into a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after; in an alternate universe of course. I am going to dig back into the teachings of the Buddha in search of ways I can take control of my life without medication. Just the overt act of trying to improve my situation is therapeutic.

Lucky break

I am sitting outside the courtroom with J waiting for his lawyer to arrive. I believe we are attending a probable cause hearing relative to J's illegal entry into my neighbor’s house. J is in a foul mood, pissed that his lawyer is not here. I am very worried about him. He is clearly depressed with no means to pay for meds or therapy. He is often angry about some stupid thing that somebody has said about him. He is a magnet for trouble and gets sucked into all kinds of weird and bizarre situations. Luckily he has a lot of people on his side including the detective prosecuting the case so he will once again probably get more of a break than he deserves.

Another boring posting of little interest

I have known for some time now that my low grade depression had returned, but I had hoped I could work through it. I have been eating better, sleeping more and exercising harder, but like the rising tide, the grey malaise has slowly but steadily crept back washing away my core feeling of happiness and contentment. I continue to function and most do not see the change; but for me my day has become emotionally pointless. I am overwhelmed by stress, anxiety and irritability. I think a good measure of one’s emotional well being is in their fear of death. Today I do not fear the end of this life of “quiet desperation, although I do not desire death as I have in the past. So know what? I will likely wallow around in my misery until I finally go back to the doc for meds.

Three Generations Sail Together

This past weekend, B and I sailed with my Dad and his wife from Fairhaven to Martha's Vineyard to Cuttyhunk than back to Fairhaven; about 60 miles over three days. We had beautiful sunny days, unfortunately only one with decent wind.

I really enjoyed my time with B; we talked a lot. Time spent with my Dad was less comfortable. We did not talk much and he seemed uncomfortable much of the time. He also displayed some annoying social habits that I found particularly uncomfortable, probably because I sometimes engage in similar behavior. It was a good wake up call for me.

I will never love my Dad. I accept that… I have forgiven him for the horrible things that he did to me and most of what he did to my siblings. I no longer feel tormented by my past, but I will never be comfortable with my Dad.

Busy, busy

Today I feel a bit better. I hit the gym hard yesterday and went to bed early last night. I have drill tonight, group home Friday night and then down to New Bedford to sail over to the Vineyard with my Dad.

Pointless Bitching

I feel gypped... Why can't I just be naturally happy like other people? Why do I eventually have to resort to a freaking pill to feel happy? I know my ailment is far less debilitating than others, but nevertheless I feel fucking miserable. Over the past month or so I have seen my mood spiral down to the point where I am just trying to get through the day. I am losing interest in everything that I enjoy and I am becoming a bitch! So I took the pill..... Fuck... I hate this.

Post-tourist morning at the beach

This morning I am sitting on a cold wooden bench looking out at the calm blue sea. The sun shines brightly upon my black North Face jacket warming me against the morning chill in the air. The coffee is especially good making me long for a better cup of joe at my usual coffee shop. The tourists have all gone home leaving the beach to the seagulls and terns.

The beauty of the day is somewhat lost on me for I have been in the grip of a foul mood for the past few days. I even spent a few hours in Clickerville seeking temporary relief from my dark thoughts. There has been no significant changes in my life recently so I can only attribute my sense of gloom to insufficient levels of one or more neurotransmitters such as serotonin or epinephrine. I have increased my sleep and exercise and decreased my caffeine. Let's hope this mood passes and I can remain med-free.