Life Sucks Then You Die!

J has been out of the house for three days and I am feeling very anxious and upset. I spoke with him yesterday and he is not doing well. Apparently his new girlfriend broke up with him and is seeing someone else. He has a place to sleep but clearly wants to come home. His friends are calling me saying he has to come home. I will stick with the plan and he will not be allowed to come home until Wednesday. He has to have consequences for his behavior.

I am in a foul mood and I just feel like beating the shit out of someone. Right now life FUCKING SUCKS! I am sick and tired of everybody elses BULLSHIT!

Fatherhood...

Yesterday I told J that he cannot live at the house for a week. Tuesday night he told me he was not coming home and I reminded him that such an infraction of the house rules would trigger a one week expulsion. He said he didn't care. I did not sleep very well last night. It was cold and rainy and I hoped that J was staying with friends, not out on the street someplace.

Sometimes I hate being a Dad….

Celebrating Memorial Day

It is nice to sit down and relax for a few minutes at the coffee shop. The long weekend was jam packed and while it seemed too short, I enjoyed most of it. Saturday morning I spent some time with J running errands. In the afternoon you would have found me struggling with changing a heavily rusted fuel filter on my truck. Sunday we went up north to open D's parent’s trailer. Yesterday I marched in a parade in Cambridge MA with the cadet group; then walked along the Charles River with D. Last night we went out as a family to celebrate J's birthday.

Today I hope to learn more about J's immediate future. Recently he entered my neighbor’s house looking for money and was discovered by the owner. I expect that he will be arrested this week. As a result of his arrest, he will have violated the terms of his suspended sentence and in all likelihood will spend the next 11 months at the County Jail serving the balance of his sentence. He will also have to deal with this new charge but I would be surprised if he got more than probation. I am really pissed at my neighbors for filing charges as they know that he will spend a year in jail for what some might consider a minor offense. I understand how violated they feel but I had hoped that we could work this out without involving the legal system. On the other hand, maybe this is what J needs to get him on the right path; but I suspect that time in jail will only make him feel more like a criminal. He recently told me that he is just like my crack-smoking, alcoholic, car–stealing, drug-dealing brother. That hurt… I hope he is wrong. I am sure that this new offense has circulated throughout town I feel more isolated from the community then even after J’s accident where he killed a local man.

There is so much more to say but I have to go see the lawyer.

I meant to...

It happened exactly one year from the day it happened last year; just as I knew it would. I had been thinking about it for a while and I had hoped to do something special in recognition of the day. I even put a reminder in my BlackBerry so that I could plan something special. But, like so many previous years, I did not do anything extra special. The sad truth is that I obviously do not regard this particular day as all that important; otherwise I would have given it the attention it deserves. I am thinking about doing something now even though my belated effort would pale in significance. Maybe what I should do is start planning for next year. I have 356 days to prove that May 16 is as important to me as it is to my wife.

The Beach

Today I had to visit a client near the beach so I felt compelled to stop in at a coffee shop located on the beach boulevard. Coffee shops equipped with espresso machines are rare in this area so I like to visit them when I can. I arrived at 7:30 only to discover that they do not open till 8:00. WTF!!! What kind of coffee shop opens that late? I left and drove to my client’s office feeling very disappointed. I resolved the client’s issues quickly and decided to try the coffee shop again. When I ordered my cafe mocha with four shots, the Barista warned me that their espresso was very strong. "I will be the judge of that" I said laughing. As it turns out their coffee is very good and I am sitting on their little patio writing this posting feeling very content.

It is becoming apparent that J will not abide by our new contract regarding the rules of the house. I am still not prepared to toss him out, but I suspect we are heading in that direction. I will try talking to him one more time. He is making some effort to adhere to our agreement but I think I have to hold him 100% accountable.

Warmer weather

It is a spectacularly beautiful day in the Town Square this morning. I am writing this post while sipping my triple-venti-no whipped-mocha seated outside of my favorite coffee shop.

D and I just returned home yesterday after spending three days in Camden ME kayaking and relaxing. We were celebrating our 22nd anniversary. It is hard to believe we have spent almost half of our lives together. I am an incredibly lucky man to be with D.

D and I wrote up a contract for J outlining our expectations regarding his behavior. Rather than booting him from the house completely, we implemented a three strikes policy wherein he will have to leave the house for a week if he strikes out or commits a serious offense such as stealing. We also gave him an 11:00 curfew on work nights that will hopefully curtail his partying.

B is attending his Junior Prom tonight. He is going with a female "friend" but he is thrilled about the event. It is interesting to watch him at track events as many of the girls are very flirtatious with him. He clearly loves the attention but has not expressed interest in a more serious relationship with any girls at this point.

Who's fault is it?

My neighbor left a message on my cell phone the other day. "Dirk, please call me ASAP. I need to talk to you about an urgent issue." I knew then that his call had something to do with J. When I called him later he was really pissed. “Your son broke into our house today surprising my wife who was sleeping. When she asked him what he was doing there he said he needed an egg. Are you out of eggs at your house?” he asked. My heart was in my throat at that point and I replied “No… I don't think so.” “So what the fuck was J doing in my house?” he asked. I could sense the restraint in his voice; probably more than I would have had in a similar situation. "He was looking for money” I said glumly. He had asked me to borrow the truck that morning to help a friend move and I had told him that it was low on gas and he would need to get at least a few gallons. He said he had the money. Apparently he had hoped that my friend would have the money. There was a pause as the harsh reality of the situation set into my friends mind. “From me?” he said incredulously. “After everything I have done for him?” There was less restraint in his words as he wrestled with a multitude of emotions. I know that feeling of violation when Josh has entered our bedroom rifling through our belongings looking for money. My friends feeling of violation must be an order or magnitude greater then what I experienced. “I am sorry” I said rubbing my hand across my face. “Dude, it is not your fault” he replied. But I knew it was. I have failed as a Father. My son is a thief, a liar and probably on the road to a life of crime.