God's Plan

 Monday night I was two beers into an evening of self pity and regret.  I was, in fact, considering what I would do if I should become completely hopeless.  As I sat in front of the TV, wallowing in depression, I received the text that would kick-off a week of tragedy and sadness.  Suddenly my mind was focused on someone else; someone that I would never see again.  

Friday morning, I was standing standing in the church talking to my brother-in-law waiting for the service to start.  Looking at me through his thick glasses, he placed his hand on my shoulder and in a somber tone, with all the compassion he could muster, said “God has a plan”.  As I considered his statement, he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the perspiration from his upper lip.  The temperature in the church was likely 100 degrees or more and I adjusted my necktie seeking relief from the sweltering heat.

“Yes he does” I said dispassionately staring off in the distance.  What I wanted to say was “Let me see if I have this straight…  God planned for my nephew Steven to be born with a defective brain that caused him to suffer from depression and anxiety.  God thought it would be a good idea for him to marry a young lady just two years ago and become a father to her three year old son, when the ultimate plan was for Steven to stick a 9 MM Glock into his mouth and pull the trigger leaving the wife with no husband and the boy with no father?  God’s plan sucks”.

Who am I?

I once heard a story about a disgruntled passenger arguing with a gate attendant. Enraged he finally shouted at her "Do you know who I am?".  She calmly replied "One moment please" and reached for her intercom.  "Attention passengers, we have a gentlemen that apparently does not know how he is.  Can anybody help him?"

I don't know who I am these days; and worse, I don't know who I want to be.  I live this oh-so-typical suburban life but yearn for something different.  This desire results in me making poor choices that further exacerbate my discontent.  I want to forget all my problems and lead a live free of responsibility.  I feel like a coward; weak and selfish.  It is times like this that I begin to embrace Darwinism and disavow my belief in God.  In Darwin's world, the survivors had not use for morals. 

PS.  She enlisted today...  Time to harden my heart.  I never should have let her in.

Drill Baby, Drill

This morning I am enjoying my coffee in my home town.  I have a dental cleaning next door at 7:30.  I do not mind getting my teeth cleaned.  Not a big fan of dental repairs, but I actually find dental hygiene relaxing. 

D is feeling a bit down these days.  Flo has been hounding her relentlessly, sometimes for 2 - 3 weeks a month.  Fucking sucks.  She had a Mirena installed but that doesn't seem to help.  Ugh...

Gardening

It is a spectacular late spring morning in the town square today.  I drove my Jeep into town for the first time enjoying the brilliant sunshine and cool morning air.  When I am behind the wheel of my trusty steed, I feel calm and liberated.  The open air and simple nature of the vehicle makes for a cathartic experience. 

Friday we moved B back to college where he will reside for the next ten weeks.  It was odd moving him in when everyone else is moving out.  D is not taking his summer plans well; I don't mind as he is being incredibly responsible. 

Saturday was work and yesterday we literally spent the entire day putting a garden in.  I feel pretty good today, other then nursing some some sore muscles.

Get to work.

It is a spectacular day in the town square this morning.  I am sitting outside the coffee shop watching the town come alive.  The starlings are flitting around picking up the scraps of muffins and bagels that the patrons drop to the cobblestone sidewalk.  I am heading to work in a few minutes to make up for taking Wednesday off to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary with D in Boston.

I  am feeling better in recent days.  I have not taken any more pills and didn't really see a huge benefit from my recent adderall experiment. 

D is stressed that I have to work on the weekend and that B is staying at college for most of the summer.  We dropped him off at his summer dorm yesterday and he will not be back till August.  I am twice as stressed as a result.

Get over it

With every moment that passes my heart hardens.  Soon I won't care anymore.  Awesome...

Beer and a movie

It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting in front of the TV watching a movie appropriately titled "Wrist Cutters" while drinking beer and wallowing in my depression.  I have plenty to do, but zero motivation to get it done.

I have moved on to another movie "Sirens" and my outlook on life has definitely improved except I have to piss and I'm to lazy to get up.  Movie sucks so far, but bare breasts are promised so I shall tough it out.  I'm currently thinking the word "nubile" is pretty cool.  Also, any movie with Hugh Grant is worthy of some hopeful optimism.

Yeah, that didn't work out...  On to "Frankie and Johnny"...  Pretty decent flick.

Amphetamine/dextroamphetamine

I can't fucking stand myself right now so I took the pill.  Am I weak?  Perhaps...  I have been here before though and it worked out ok.  Perhaps now I can focus on getting some shit done.  I will go see the doc to make it all legal if it has lasting effects.

Take a pill?

It's a cold, gray day in the town square today.  I'm sitting inside in a seat by the window.  I look out at the people passing by on the cobblestone sidewalk and wonder if any of them are particularly happy this morning. If they are, why?  I guess we should rule out the ones that are on medication, smoked crack or just screwed the person they are having an affair with. I'm talking about people that are naturally happy.

I have a bottle full of amphetamines that I have been looking at longingly.  The medication is a couple years old, but I suspect it would still give me a pretty good buzz.  I won't take it though.  I already have one addictive problem, I don't need another. 

Yesterday D and I took A (our dog) for a walk at a large conservation area located next to the bay.  Featuring large wooded areas and rolling fields, it offers great views and hiking trails along the rocky coast.  I was pretty quiet but when we sat to take in the views, I talked about my depression.  I feel conflicted talking to D about my melancholy mood as I don't want to make her sad or anxious.  But, I need to talk to someone.  She listened patiently and I felt better as I described my persistent sadness.

Earlier in the day, we had both received an email from A's mother (our young protege) indicating that she met with A's recruiter and felt that she had to support A's desire to join the Marines as A would be 18 in June and there was little doubt she would sign up.  I replied that I was in agreement and that we should continue helping A to explore the underlying motivation that was driving her towards this incredibly bad decision.  Both D and I were feeling the reality of A's approaching enlistment date in June but neither of us wanted to talk about it.  We both feel the pain of opening our hearts only to be subjected to the impending pain of loss, the degree of which could be extreme.

Suffer on

I don't like myself these days... 

Lately I have been wondering if I am subconsciously trying to sabotage my life.  I have no appreciation for my good fortune and I often think about living a simpler life devoid of responsibility.  What better way to realize this stupid fantasy than to lose my job and my family.  What does it take for one to develop an appreciation for what they have and to stop chasing that which fails to satisfy?  How does one conjure up the motivation to act more responsibly?  I don't accept mediocrity in others, why do I accept it in myself? 

Yesterday a local young man lost his life in a horrible accident.  I was a bit jealous.  I won't pull the trigger, but I wouldn't duck from the bullet.  Until I develop an appreciation for my life, I will continue to suffer.