Take a pill?

It's a cold, gray day in the town square today.  I'm sitting inside in a seat by the window.  I look out at the people passing by on the cobblestone sidewalk and wonder if any of them are particularly happy this morning. If they are, why?  I guess we should rule out the ones that are on medication, smoked crack or just screwed the person they are having an affair with. I'm talking about people that are naturally happy.

I have a bottle full of amphetamines that I have been looking at longingly.  The medication is a couple years old, but I suspect it would still give me a pretty good buzz.  I won't take it though.  I already have one addictive problem, I don't need another. 

Yesterday D and I took A (our dog) for a walk at a large conservation area located next to the bay.  Featuring large wooded areas and rolling fields, it offers great views and hiking trails along the rocky coast.  I was pretty quiet but when we sat to take in the views, I talked about my depression.  I feel conflicted talking to D about my melancholy mood as I don't want to make her sad or anxious.  But, I need to talk to someone.  She listened patiently and I felt better as I described my persistent sadness.

Earlier in the day, we had both received an email from A's mother (our young protege) indicating that she met with A's recruiter and felt that she had to support A's desire to join the Marines as A would be 18 in June and there was little doubt she would sign up.  I replied that I was in agreement and that we should continue helping A to explore the underlying motivation that was driving her towards this incredibly bad decision.  Both D and I were feeling the reality of A's approaching enlistment date in June but neither of us wanted to talk about it.  We both feel the pain of opening our hearts only to be subjected to the impending pain of loss, the degree of which could be extreme.

Suffer on

I don't like myself these days... 

Lately I have been wondering if I am subconsciously trying to sabotage my life.  I have no appreciation for my good fortune and I often think about living a simpler life devoid of responsibility.  What better way to realize this stupid fantasy than to lose my job and my family.  What does it take for one to develop an appreciation for what they have and to stop chasing that which fails to satisfy?  How does one conjure up the motivation to act more responsibly?  I don't accept mediocrity in others, why do I accept it in myself? 

Yesterday a local young man lost his life in a horrible accident.  I was a bit jealous.  I won't pull the trigger, but I wouldn't duck from the bullet.  Until I develop an appreciation for my life, I will continue to suffer. 

So weak

Recently I read a great quote - "Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future, serenity is living in the present".  I feel the negative effects of not living in the present almost every moment of every day.  My unhappiness is further exacerbated knowing that I will make poor decisions in the future that will result in a past that I am less than proud of.  I feel weak, undisciplined and apathetic, unable to put in the effort that will result in a past that I can feel good about.  I recently described my decision-making as analogous to getting on a train destined for a wreck.  Unable to stop myself, I purchase the ticket, step aboard and foolishly believe that somehow I will avoid the wreck.  I need to avoid the train station...

Love Noco

Sunday I went up to North with J.  We started with coffee in our favorite northern NH town, did a little shopping and sight-seeing, then went for a moderate hike.  We enjoyed a free lunch (courtesy of one of his friends) and I had my first fish taco with was fabulous.  The conversation flowed easily and we both enjoyed our day.  It was nice to spend some time with him.

I continue to act irresponsibly on a couple of different fronts and I am really beating myself up.  I just can't find the  motivation to work more and manage my finances properly and I am fiscally irresponsible which makes my financial situation even worse.  I am not living my life in a manner that reflects my core belief system which makes me feel weak.  I am going to take steps to change this. 

Avoiding the collision

I am drawn to indie movies that portray the pain and joy of intimate relationships, especially tragic and or complicated ones.  Is it just voyeurism, or perhaps something more? When one feels empty inside, they search for something to make them feel better.  When I watch a good movie, I forget about my painfully ordinary life and immerse myself into the adrenaline-generating alternate world on the flickering screen.  My own life has become incredibly complicated resembling the oh-so-typical lead character that alternates between chasing fantasy and attempting to maintain a seemingly normal life.  In most cases, a life-changing event slaps the character back to reality in a painful and dramatic fashion.  Can I beat the odds?  Can I maneuver my way back to the slow lane before the collision?

Time in school

I am incredibly anxious today.  I am dealing with stress relative to the triangle, and the bills just keep piling up. I can almost feel an ulcer forming in my abdomen. Once I have been diagnosed with said ailment, my doctor will likely tell me I have to quit drinking coffee, which I don't want to do.  I suppose I should reduce my caffeine intake now and maybe that will help reduce my anxiety.

Ysterday I spent a good part of the day at B's college waiting to pick him up.  I was working from the coffee shop and it was really nice watching the students interact with each other and their professors. I feel very comfortable in the collegiate  atmosphere.

Spring thaw?

As the North Church bell peals out eight o'clock, I walk to the coffee shop wearing shorts and sandals.  It is a bit chilly this morning but only because temperatures have been in the eighties all week. Forecasters are saying that these warm temperatures are a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I am glad I never bothered to get the sled squared away as the window for good trail riding was only open for about thirty days and that was only in the northernmost part of New England.

My mood has definitely improved lately.  Certainly spring has a major impact on my depression; but I think I am starting to come to terms with another issue that has been making me very anxious.  I am starting to understand and accept that desire, especially for things that really are not important (and in same cases possibly very harmful) underlies much of my suffering.  I study the Buddhist teachings and while I believe in the core philosophy, I do not embrace it as fully as I should.  Instead, I engage in risky behavior that offers sensorial pleasure but violates my core beliefs.  In  other words, I am weak and I need to become stronger. 

I fucked up

D and I had a good talk last night.  We are doing much better today.  I am still hurting from the incident, especially the threat to walk out, but I am confident time will heal the wounds.  I talked about the day in my men's group and they all agreed that I fucked up.  I guess I am so used to getting my way I forget that many woman have far less tolerance for their husband's bullshit than D does. I apologized to D and took responsibility for my thoughtlessness.  I guess we will have to see how things go the next time I am away from her.

I predicted it

I lost my shit last night.  I have not been that angry in a very long time. 

Yesterday I marched with the cadet group in a massive St Patrick's Day parade.  It was a long day and I was nervous about what kind of mood D would be in when I returned home.  In the days preceding the parade I tried to convince her to go with me, but in the end she chose to stay home.  I clearly expressed my concerns about how she would react to me going and how I worried she would be resentful.

"D, are you sure you want  me to go?  I don't want you to be upset with me.  I don't have to go."

"No, you should go, I will be fine"

At 4:00 I sent her a text that the parade had just ended and that my phone battery was dying.  She said she was fine.  At 7:00 I sent her a text that I was heading home and she started melting down.  I explained to her how we had to get from the parade end point back to the North End, we had dinner, then I had to wait for parents to pick up their kids.  But she wasn't listening.  The rest of the night got progressively worse and by 11:00 her bags were packed and I was trying to get her to understand that we may not recover from her walking out. 

"Do you think you will just come back and everything will be ok? If you walk out that door it means that you are throwing away thirty years of marriage.  Don't think that everything will work out if you put me through this.  I don't know if I could recover from that level of pain."

She doesn't trust me.  

She loves me?

"Sometimes, when I  am at work,  I miss you so much."  I was genuinely surprised when D said this to me a few days ago.  I am so broken that I cannot believe that anyone, even my wife, would truly love me.  Instead, I feel like there is a man out there that would be a better husband to D than I am, but she settles for me.

I am so tired...  I have wallowed in depression for so much of my life; it becomes harder and harder to bounce back.  I search for the magic solution to my woes, but in my heart,  I realize that success is a result of a lot of hard work and sacrifice, neither of which I am particularly fond of.  It is much easier  to simply say "I'm depressed, I can't do XXXX" then to make the changes that will improve my situation.