Stuck in the middle

I can look back at my blog history and clearly see that I am most prolific in my writings when I am either very depressed or very happy.  When my mind is dwelling somewhere in the neutral zone, I lose interest in writing.  Lately I have been very focused and quite productive at work and completing home chores.  I also exercise, spend time with my family and pick up the dog shit.  And, I attempt to mentor, guide and assist a few select people that are struggling with life.  All the things that I believe a good man should do.  The challenge that many of us face, is in accepting that we are not the Huckstables and will probably never lip-sync as a family; rather, we we will experience varying degrees of simple pleasures and not a lot of euphoria.  I think we often yearn for what we perceive is missing in our lives and ultimately pursue interests that generally sabotage what is truly important.  Real happiness is realized when one can accept and appreciate the simple things in life.

I know you are but what am I?

My neighbor, the one that testified against my son for entering his house without permission, apparently wants to be friends with me.  However, I am not interested in a friendship with someone that had a chance to help my son and chose a course that resulted in J spending 5 months in jail and branded him as a convicted felon for life.  I was at a mutual neighbors house on Saturday and he showed up.  "Hi D" he said as he walked up the driveway. I responded in a hushed tone "hi" and proceeded to walk towards my vehicle to leave as I did not want any involvement with this former friend.  He came around the back of my car saying "D, the problems I have with J don't have to come between our friendship".  I replied "You violated our friendship" as I opened the door to my car and sat down  in the seat.  "So that's how it's going to be he?" asked with a hint of disbelief on his face.  "Yes" I replied.  "Your an asshole" he said just before I shut the door.  There are so many things I wanted to say to that man but I certainly was not going to create a spectacle in my neighbors driveway.  So I said nothing and continued to drive away.  He doesn't want my friendship.  He wants my forgiveness which he shall never have.

Routine

This morning I dropped J off for his second full day of community service.  He says he likes the job and the people he works with.  He plans to work 5 days per week till the middle of May.  At that rate, he will complete his community service requirements before the summer starts.

Unfortunately J continues to struggle with rage-related issues.  He is having problems with his girlfriend as well as some of his friends and spends a lot of his time swearing and raging about stupid, pointless issues.  Last night he was having a tirade in our driveway at 10:00 at night.  I spoke with him about disturbing the neighbors and while he quieted down for a while, he soon returned to his ranting and raving.  I went to bed planning to talk to him in the morning.  I did have a conversation with him today where I tried to teach him about the damaging potential of self talk.  I also strongly advised him to put some distance between him and his girlfriend as their relationship was caustic and if he could  not check his anger would end up back in jail.  He shared some very disturbing information with me about how he considered acting out on some of his  thoughts in a brutal fashion.  I will make sure he discusses these thoughts with his therapist.

I am doing pretty well on all fronts.  Work has been incredibly stressful but I am taking it in stride and I have been highly productive.  I am maintaining a good balance between all my interests and I have been enjoying a good mood. 

Hirudo-what??

Friday I took my sister R to a medical appointment so that I could meet the doctor responsible for here ECT therapy.  I am not a fan of ECT as I view it as a barbaric treatment on scale with hirudotherapy.  However, after learning more about the treatment, and discussing it with R's doctor, I acknowledge that ECT is an acceptable alternative to suicide.  Prior to starting ECT, R spent weeks and sometimes months in mental health institutions. In recent years,  her "respites" have been have been much less frequent and considerably shorter in duration.  I will next meet with R's psychiatrist to discuss her medications and plans to ween her from ECT.  I will also meet with her therapist to learn more about her therapy plan.

I brought R back home with me and she spent the weekend with my family.  We hosted an Easter dinner that included two of my sister-in-laws and their families.  All in all it was a very busy weekend with considerably more "family" time then what I am used to.  Saturday I took J to a snowmobile hill climb.  Both of us really enjoyed our redneck selves.  I was especially thrilled with J's willingness to stick out the entire day fighting against his ADHD tenancies to move onto the next thing.

Carpe Diem... Not!

Most days, for me, start around 5 AM when I begin to awaken.  As I slowly lift my head and turn to glance at my bedside clock through a half-opened eye, I feel an immediate desire to return to sleep. Satisfied that I have a few moments before I must toss the covers aside, I press my head back into the pillow then toss and turn fitfully in attempt to delay, what I am sure will be, a miserable day.  Sleep, like death, frees us from our earthly responsibilities. In my slumber, I find relief from guilt, shame and responsibility.  It is little wonder that I do not leap from my bed in joyful excitement ready to slay dragons and save the world. 

Medieval medicine...

Yesterday D and I spent the day with my sister R in Boston.  We visited the typical tourist hangouts including the Aquarium, Faneuil Hall, Boston Common and Newbury St.  I believe my sister enjoyed herself.  R experienced a horrific trauma as a child, and as a result has spent the past 20 or so years in a state of severe clinical depression.  I know that spending time with her is a good thing, but is that enough?  I feel like I should be more involved with her life but frankly, I am more comfortable helping the kids from the adolescent home then working  with her.  Does that make me a bad person?  We should always put family first, right?  I am not sure why I am not more motivated to help here.  I suspect some of my reluctance comes from having to relive my own childhood.  I also become very angry with my father when I see what he did to her.  I am going back down Friday to meet with her ECT doctor to discuss her treatment.  R's memory is very damaged and her general reasoning abilities have steadily declined over the years.  She receives ECT (electro convulsive therapy) 2 - 3 times per month.  She believes that ECT is the only treatment that provides relief to her depression.  I suggested EMT (Electro Magnetic Therapy) but apparently her insurance will not pay for it.  I cannot believe in this day and age we are still employing a practice that involves sending 200 watts of electricity through somebody's brain.

Writing...

I am trying to learn how to be a better writer.  Most of the websites I visit for writing tips say that one way to become a better writer is to write more often and that blogging is a good way to practice writing.  But what happens when you lack the creative thoughts that underlie all good writing?  Then you write boring posts on how you are trying to become a better writer. 

Four months and counting

B made his college selection over the weekend.  He will be attending St. Anselm College in Manchester NH. As a member of the cross country team, he will be leaving us the second week of August to begin training.  He and I talk often about how I will be lost without him.  This morning as we walked A, I told him that one morning he will hear a dog barking outside of his dorm and say "wow, that sounds just like my dog".  He will look out the window and I will be standing outside ready for our morning walk. 

Mr. Fixit...

It is a sunny and beautiful this morning down in the town square.  The air still has a chill to it from the overnight but spring is slowly but surely pushing her way into New England.

This morning B and I had a nice discussion while walking A.  "So, I brought up an idea to the student council for this years spring fling" B said as we  walked along.  "But the student council president did not like the idea even though everyone else did" B continued.  "So your locked in a power struggle with the him" I replied.  I said a lot of other things having to do with ego, what is best for his constituency and winning the war vs the battle.  Finally, B stopped, looked at me and said "Dad, sometimes it would be nice if you just listened instead of trying to fix everything.  Mom says the same thing about you".  He is right... I am always the mechanic when I should be an empathetic listener.  I smiled and told him I was sorry.  I am really happy that he is comfortable speaking his mind to me.

Grow up Dirk

Yesterday I had a fabulous day boarding with B.  This follows what was an absolutely miserable Saturday mainly because I can be a self-absorbed, oversensitive fuckwad.  Maybe there is something wrong with my brain, but only I have the ability to retrain it to operate properly.  I  have to stop getting so worked up when things don't go my way.  When I let the negative nanny loose in my mind, I can quickly find myself wallowing in self pity which instantaneously morphs into depression.

Yesterday was my best day boarding ever.  I started out a little slow, as I am favoring my back, but as the day progressed I started riding faster on more difficult trails including black diamonds.  I enjoyed talking with B, the weather was absolutely perfect and I was definitely loving life.  I think, for a moment, I was happy.  Imagine that...