Love is an illusion

One needs closure to move on from any situation where one is hurt.  The best closure includes the party that was involved in, or contributed to the pain.  Absent that, it is very difficult to move on with uncertainty hanging in the air like a unseen odorless gas waiting to suck the air from your lungs.  At some level, I dared to hope for something that could never be.  As the reality of the situation sets in, I can feel my heart harden as I remind myself that we are carbon forms that act on instinct and any illusion of a spiritual connection is nothing more than a malformed electrical connection in my utilitarian brain.

Goodbye A

A is home and she is not the girl that left three months ago.  I knew I was right when I counseled her not to join the Marines.  She has become like a robot with no feelings.  She clearly suffers from PTSD resulting from her experience at boot camp.  I can't imagine what will happen when she gets deployed if she is involved with combat.  This is so fucked up.  I am overwrought with anxiety.  She hardly talks to me now.  I am just a civilian and civilians are disgusting with no purpose.  Yep, they really rewired her.  Her boyfriend who went to boot camp at the same time appears to have suffered some type of brain damage.  His speech is slow and he hardly moves his mouth.  It almost seems like he got a concussion or something. 

So it is time to say goodbye and move on.  My new mantra is "I am in control of my emotions".  I have to focus on what is truly important in my life and let the other bullshit go.  It is so true that happiness is tied to desire as the Buddhists believe.  I can see it in my life but I ignore it instead of re-framing my thoughts and desires.

Where's rock bottom?

Last night I slept for maybe two hours.  Yesterday was a rollercoaster emotionally.  The blue pills don't work as well now.   I stayed pretty focused at work though.  Today I am working as well

I had a couple of brief text exchanges with A yesterday and this morning.  We may see her and her boyfriend tonight or tomorrow.

Next week I'm going to make an appt for meds.  I hate the idea and it makes me feel weak, but feeling the way I have for the past few months is worse.

Who's calling?

I spoke to A for the first time in three months yesterday.  I was home with a nasty cold and was becoming very anxious as I assumed she had access to a phone but was not calling.  As the minutes turned into hours I could not shake her from my mind.  Every time my phone rang I jumped hoping it was her.  Finally, around 11:00, my phone rang again displaying a number that I knew belonged to her brother.  "Hello Dirk" she said in a raspy voice.  "A, it is so good to hear from you" I replied.  We talked briefly but she called back twice again and I spoke to her a few minutes each time.  My mood changed instantly.  I was upbeat and positive.  I will see her soon as she is home for twenty days then off to to the USMC School of Infantry for thirty days. 

Cut Down the Oaks

It's fucking cold out today.  We have about six inches of crusty snow on the ground.  Normally I would be thrilled as I could take my snowmobile out.  But these day, I just don't care.  I will probably have to sell it soon anyways.

I remember writing about mourning the loss of my depression because it seemed to diminish my creative energy.  I mourn no more.  I am feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness.  This morning I was actually comparing myself to Gollum.  I would be happy to be free of my Precious if I knew what it was.  Most don't know the depths of my melancholy.  When one causes his own hardship, I think it is more difficult to bear.  I constantly berate myself for my past decisions.  I think that for most, anxiety moves one to resolution of the issues that create the angst.  For whatever reason, I seem to be moved to avoidance allowing small problems to grow like saplings into towering oaks. 

I got gypped in the nerochemical dept

Yesterday I was thinking about the best way to check out.  It wasn't a conversation about if, but one of how.  Today I took two blue pills and I feel great.  Anxious, yes...  But motivated to fix the environmental issues that are driving me to a desperate outcome.  This sense of wellness will not last, but I shall bask in the neurochemicals effect even if it is fleeting.  Tomorrow I will take three if I have to.

...

I miss her...

Gotta go, good bye

This morning at 5:35 I received a text from R - "Gotta go.  Good bye".  And so ends a chapter of my life I shall never forget.  She was so special to me in so many ways.  Her mood could quickly shift from giddy happiness to fierce anger to withdrawn sadness.  In my mind, I watched her grow from a girl to a woman in just over a year.  I just feel numb today.  I know that the reality of her departure has not hit me yet and I have some dark times lying in wait for me.  I have to refocus my mind, work on improving my life.  I have to break out of this fucking malaise and throw myself into a self-improvement challenge.  My standard response to something like this is to wallow around in self-pity depressing not only myself but those around me.  This time I will stand tall and follow the advice I gave R; "When you become sad about what you don't have, refocus your energy on what you want". 

Lonely Coffee

This morning I am lucky enough to sit at a table outside the coffee shop drinking Guatemalan coffee and a peach muffin.

I heard a motorbike in the distance and my heart quickened as I thought for a moment that R might be meeting me for coffee.  But it was not her and in all likelihood she would not meet me for coffee for a very long time, if ever.  She ships out to boot camp on Tuesday and I am left with an emptiness in my heart that could quickly consume me if I do not take immediate steps to refocus my mind.  There is no question that I will be sad; it is more a question about the severity of the depression that is sure to envelope my world.  Like a recovering crack addict, I need to learn how to live without something that gave me so much happiness. 

Get Fit

It's a cold rainy day in the town square today.  Like so many mornings before, the weather reflects my mood.  I am drinking a Costa Rican La Minita coffee and eating a lemon poppyseed muffin.  Driven from my usual seat outside, I feel hot and constricted, although I do have one of the prized window seats.

She leaves Tuesday. I am preparing myself but I know that it is going to be extremely difficult.  I have committed to refocusing my energy on an intense fitness program.  I plan to lose 10 lbs before she returns from boot camp.  I also need to devote more attention to D.  She will be more sensitive to any depression resulting from R's departure.