Shocked or not

My sister called yesterday to tell me she checked herself into a psych ward 11 days ago.  I had called her the day before she was admitted and she told me she was doing ok.  Apparently she did not want to upset me by telling me the truth about how she felt.  At least she is safe.  The upside is that her doctor is very concerned about the number of ECT treatments she has had and has advised her to discontinue that treatment. I expect I will be traveling to Boston in the next day or so to visit with her and meet her new doctor.

Shift your paradigm

What does it take to develop a real appreciation for the lives and opportunities that we have?  Most of our time is spent (consciously or subconsciously) wishing we were doing something different.  In my entire life, I can remember only a few occasions where I was truly living in the moment.  Does somebody have to die?  Do we need to experience a traumatic injury or illness?  Why does it always take a "life-changing event" to change our lives?  Can one begin to meaningfully change their life through sheer self discipline and desire?  I have made many little changes to my life, but I still grind through the day with little emotion, living on bits of immediate sensual gratification; some of which are not healthy physically and or emotionally.  Today I changed coffee shops; maybe tomorrow I can change something meaningful.

Betrayal

Today I am drinking my four shot mocha at the locally owned coffee shop, not Starbucks.  The catalyst for the switch was a recent price increase that propelled the cost of my regular drink to more than $6.  This is just too much when I need to come up with $80,000 over the next four years.

Boooooooorrrrrrrriiinnngggg!!!!!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah...  that really is the essence of my postings as of late.  While I am happy to be free (for now) of chronic depression, I miss the experiencing the powerful emotions that came with it.  (I know, that's fucked up, right?) I live a good life; I just don't FEEL much. 

Fathers Day

It is Sunday morning at 8:00 and I am lounging in bed in anticipation of a home cooked breakfast courtesy of my boys.  I can smell pancakes and hear the rustling of pans downstairs.  Later I plan to travel down to Mass to visit with my Dad although I have no interest in doing so; I do it more out of a sense of a son's obligation.

I will arrive and we will perform the expected hug and backslap ritual but I will feel nothing emotionally.  We will chat about his boat and the trips he is planning this year but I could care less. I will just want to be on my way back home.

Where's the fish?

Last night I went fishing with J.  As usual, we returned fishless, but I enjoy spending time with my boy.  I have to chill a bit more when I am with him. I tend to be a bit too intense.

Lead, follow or get out of the way

I have been spending more time with the cadet group lately.  I am limiting my involvement to planning a couple of events a year, but it is very hard for me to sit on the sidelines when I know I can help with other efforts as well.  It is also really difficult for me to keep my mouth shut when I see the staff making questionable decisions.  But, I am learning how to be a good follower, not a role I am accustomed to.

Technogadgets

Yesterday I got the new Droid Evo from Sprint.  It is a sweet phone, but quite a change from my Blackberry Pearl.  I am much happier now that I have this new trinket; after all, it is "things" that bring us joy, right?

My son

My son graduates from high school next week.  I can hardly believe that he will be leaving us soon.  He is such a great kid and I am incredibly proud of him.  I can remember walking him up to the bus stop every morning.  Some times we would play kick ball while we waited for the bus.  Other times we would just talk.  We have not walked A in a while.  He is not a big fan of getting up early when he doesn't have to.  Hopefully we can get out for some bike rides over the next few months.

3 days "off"

This past weekend was a physical one with three straight days of backbreaking, manual labor.  Saturday I worked on yard chores, Sunday I opened my in-laws camp, and Monday I put in a 20 x 60 vegetable garden at our house.  The garden was a tremendous amount of work but I am looking forward to homegrown tomatoes, cukes and squash.