Yesterday, in effort to reduce waistline and expenses I sacrificed my morning coffee shop routine. Instead, I was relegated to ground coffee from a bag and a french press. The coffee was adequate but I missed my comfy chair in the morning sun.
In my last post I revealed my intention to resign from the youth group after I took the kids to last weekend's training. However, the CO has indicated his willingness to compromise on some issues and he sincerely expressed his desire for me to stay. After considerable thought and lengthy discussions with my son we have decided to stay with the unit for the time being.
The weekend was great and B performed well. During the training B committed one minor offense with some other cadets but when asked to take responsibility for his actions he was the only one out of three to raise his hand. I am very proud of my boy and I am lucky to be his Dad.
My brother called me Friday after disappearing for a week or so following his eviction by his roommates. I put him up in a motel and notified his friends of his whereabouts. Last night I should have gone to visit him but I was stuck in Clickerville. Today I feel badly about my selfishness and hope to do better.
J was working on an old snowmobile last night trying to get it started. I recognized the opportunity to spend some time with him helping to troubleshoot the old sled but chose to cling selfishly to my isolation instead. Is there someplace where one can purchase selflessness? I so want to break from my lazy routine but I often just don’t have the energy or desire. I expect more of myself and will redouble my efforts to put others ahead of myself. It is so easy to blame my complacency on my depression but I must live the life that will make me proud when I look back upon it. Every day that I ignore J I distance myself from him and increase the possibility that he will succumb to the influence of drugs or other risky behavior.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Hitting a Low
Today I am in a rather dark mood. It started Monday when I sent an email to the unit CO expressing my concerns about the manner in which he communicates with me. He never replied and during last night’s drill I discovered that he made some changes in the unit without discussing them with me. One of the changes included promoting two other cadets ahead of my son. If he had come to me and discussed this decision showing me the criteria used to measure the cadets, I could have accepted his decision. But between that and all his other bullshit, I have decided to resign. I discussed it with B and he is in agreement with my decision.
So today I am blue. Not even my morning coffee shop routine brings me much pleasure. I feel like my best friend has died. I feel betrayed by the CO and now feel the spite and vindictiveness that he’s unleashed upon other people. I will likely take the kids to training in RI this weekend but sadly, that will be my last time with the kids.
So today I am blue. Not even my morning coffee shop routine brings me much pleasure. I feel like my best friend has died. I feel betrayed by the CO and now feel the spite and vindictiveness that he’s unleashed upon other people. I will likely take the kids to training in RI this weekend but sadly, that will be my last time with the kids.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
A Beautiful Day
Today I sit in the comfy chair in front of the large south-facing picture window sipping my latte. The sun shines brightly on my face and I feel cozy and comfortable. There is an eclectic mix of jazz and rock playing in the background. Customers file in at a steady pace and eggnog latte seems to be popular.
This morning as I was driving into town, I considered what I was going to write in my blog. I have always written my entries in an ad hoc fashion never selecting the subject(s) in advance. I was slightly taken aback at this realization and uncertain as to whether I should maintain the impromptu nature of my writing or spend some time considering various subjects for my postings. I believe there is value in writing "in the moment" but I don't think that some pre-writing deliberation would necessarily influence the end result in a negative way.
This morning as I was driving into town, I considered what I was going to write in my blog. I have always written my entries in an ad hoc fashion never selecting the subject(s) in advance. I was slightly taken aback at this realization and uncertain as to whether I should maintain the impromptu nature of my writing or spend some time considering various subjects for my postings. I believe there is value in writing "in the moment" but I don't think that some pre-writing deliberation would necessarily influence the end result in a negative way.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Doing the Right Thing
I have always been lacking in healthy positive emotions, but I strive to do what is right regardless of how it makes me feel. There are times when I take an action or make a decision that make me feel really good; but typical every day events such as Christmas related traditions do not generally excite me. I participate generally because it makes D feel good and I set a good example for J and B. Sunday, D, B and I put up the tree. J was MIA… Yesterday we told B And J that we would decorate the tree in the evening. Last night J, was nowhere to be found and B decided to go to a friend’s house. D and I were very upset at them for their casual disregard for a tradition we have always valued and observed. I wanted to give them another chance but D insisted we decorate the tree without them. I reluctantly complied and started to hang the decorations with even less enthusiasm than usual. Many of the trinkets carry with them a reminder of a past event or memory.
One particular adornment was an angel J made in pre-school created from a floury paste that became hard and somewhat brittle when dry. A day or so after J made the ornament, D called me in tears saying "I can't find J's angel". I thought to myself" J has an angel?" D brought me back to reality asking if I had seen it. I then realized that she was talking about the homemade angel J had created. “No” I replied. “I have not seen it”. Later that day D somehow realized that she had inadvertently placed the gold specked, white angel in the mailbox. The mailman, thinking it was a gift for him, took it. Later, D somehow realized her mistake and contacted the post office. When I arrived at home, she was standing in the door sobbing and clutching the remains of J's little angel. Its little arms were completely broken off and it was split in half right down the middle. I hugged her and confidently said “we can fix it” though I had my doubts. Using cardboard backing, glue and a lot of patience, I painstakingly reconstructed the little angel back to a semblance of its former self. Last night, we hung it on the tree for the 14th year; D and I, alone with only the brightly lit tree and the dog snoozing contentedly at our feet.
One particular adornment was an angel J made in pre-school created from a floury paste that became hard and somewhat brittle when dry. A day or so after J made the ornament, D called me in tears saying "I can't find J's angel". I thought to myself" J has an angel?" D brought me back to reality asking if I had seen it. I then realized that she was talking about the homemade angel J had created. “No” I replied. “I have not seen it”. Later that day D somehow realized that she had inadvertently placed the gold specked, white angel in the mailbox. The mailman, thinking it was a gift for him, took it. Later, D somehow realized her mistake and contacted the post office. When I arrived at home, she was standing in the door sobbing and clutching the remains of J's little angel. Its little arms were completely broken off and it was split in half right down the middle. I hugged her and confidently said “we can fix it” though I had my doubts. Using cardboard backing, glue and a lot of patience, I painstakingly reconstructed the little angel back to a semblance of its former self. Last night, we hung it on the tree for the 14th year; D and I, alone with only the brightly lit tree and the dog snoozing contentedly at our feet.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Snow is Better Then Rain
We received our first significant snowfall last night. I woke up to 6" of the white stuff. Last night I put the plow on the jeep so I simply drove it out of the garage with the blade down to start my plow route which consists of a few houses on the street. I have not completed the repairs on the hardtop so I had only the bikini top to shelter me from the snow that quickly turned to a light rain. Luckily it was warming into the low thirties so I needed only my winter coveralls to stay warm.
I now face one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have reached a point with the CO where I get very upset with him over very minor issues. I think that the anger and resentment I feel towards him has grown to a point where I have become very bitter. I don't want to leave the unit as I love working with the kids. However, I must find a way to resolve my issues with the CO or move on. I am unsure as to how I should proceed and for now I have pulled back from the unit while I consider my options. I have started to assemble a list of pros and cons designed to help aid my decision process.
I now face one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have reached a point with the CO where I get very upset with him over very minor issues. I think that the anger and resentment I feel towards him has grown to a point where I have become very bitter. I don't want to leave the unit as I love working with the kids. However, I must find a way to resolve my issues with the CO or move on. I am unsure as to how I should proceed and for now I have pulled back from the unit while I consider my options. I have started to assemble a list of pros and cons designed to help aid my decision process.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Life in the Coffee Shopo
Today I am without my smart-phone so I am relegated to writing my blog update in my little pocket notepad. My propensity for efficiency rebels against such an ancient form of communications but I will make the sacrifice in effort to maintain my morning routine.
What brings me to this little shop on so many mornings? I am certainly drawn to the aromatic smell, coffee-mocha taste and caffeine induced buzz I so enjoy whilst savoring my favorite morning beverage. But I could make said beverage at home for considerably less money and I would not “waste” 45 minutes of my time, all of which is otherwise billable. I have become accustomed to updating my blog during this time but certainly I could do that at other times on a full-sized keyboard. I think there must be something else that brings me here… Perhaps it is a subconscious desire to be with other people even if it is generally non-interactive. I have come to recognize some of the people that also spend time here in the early mornings. We could order our lattes to go, consume them on the way to work, then update our blogs while at work. In all likelihood, the lure of the coffee shop has more to do with our desire to assimilate into society and associate with our fellow man.
I often see a young couple appearing to be in their early twenties associating with the group of drifter-types in the town square. She always has a zombie-like look on her face and I have never seen any trace of emotion. I have often wondered if she is perhaps severely depressed or possibly on some type of drugs. Today they were sitting in the coffee shop and she actually smiled. It was a bit of a surprise to me and I was taken aback by my sudden change in perception of her based solely on the smile. I am disturbed that my dehumanization of her would have gone unnoticed but for a simple smile. I need to look past my shallow impressions of people and look for the person within.
What brings me to this little shop on so many mornings? I am certainly drawn to the aromatic smell, coffee-mocha taste and caffeine induced buzz I so enjoy whilst savoring my favorite morning beverage. But I could make said beverage at home for considerably less money and I would not “waste” 45 minutes of my time, all of which is otherwise billable. I have become accustomed to updating my blog during this time but certainly I could do that at other times on a full-sized keyboard. I think there must be something else that brings me here… Perhaps it is a subconscious desire to be with other people even if it is generally non-interactive. I have come to recognize some of the people that also spend time here in the early mornings. We could order our lattes to go, consume them on the way to work, then update our blogs while at work. In all likelihood, the lure of the coffee shop has more to do with our desire to assimilate into society and associate with our fellow man.
I often see a young couple appearing to be in their early twenties associating with the group of drifter-types in the town square. She always has a zombie-like look on her face and I have never seen any trace of emotion. I have often wondered if she is perhaps severely depressed or possibly on some type of drugs. Today they were sitting in the coffee shop and she actually smiled. It was a bit of a surprise to me and I was taken aback by my sudden change in perception of her based solely on the smile. I am disturbed that my dehumanization of her would have gone unnoticed but for a simple smile. I need to look past my shallow impressions of people and look for the person within.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tough Night
Yesterday the CO sent me an email in which he once again shot down some of my ideas in a disrespectful manner. He then proceeded to trivialize my concerns. I also learned that another adult that I share some of my frustrations with has been forwarding my comments to the CO. Resultantly, I spent the evening in Clickerville frustrated, angry and feeling betrayed. I am not feeling much better today. I need to strongly consider if my involvement in the unit is worth the anxiety. I thoroughly enjoy all other aspects of the program and B is really starting to enjoy it.
Yesterday I was driving along and noticed a bag with what appeared to be a wire hanging out of it. Intrigued, I quickly pulled over to investigate. As I approached the black bag I saw that it was filled with electronics among other things. I quickly picked it up and returned to my truck. Once inside, I peered into the bag and discovered a GPS navigation system, Sony PSP, Blackbery and a wallet. It was a triangular back with a single shoulder strap and a zipper on top. I started the truck and pulled out continuing on to the health club. Passing a police officer parked on the side of the road, I considered giving it to him but decided to return it to the owner myself. Later when I arrived back at the office, I found an entry in the Blackberry address book titled "Dad". I dialed the number and reached a gentleman with a thick South American accent. After a couple of tries he finally realized that I had found his son's gadget bag.
Last night I met the bags owner in a McDonald’s parking lot. He appeared to be Hispanic with a short stout build. His Patriot's hat shadowed a face marked with multiple piercings and I could see the edge of a tattoo on his neck. He had a relieved look on his face glancing at the bag that hung on my shoulder. We discussed how the bag slid off the hood of his truck unnoticed until my sharp eyes detected the incongruous object lying by the side of the road. As I handed the bag to him he looked embarrassed and mumbled something about having no money to pay me. I reached out to shake his hand and looking him in the eye said "You owe me nothing". "You owe the next person that needs help". "It's called paying it forward". With that I got back in my truck, patted my dog and proceeded back to Clickerville.
Yesterday I was driving along and noticed a bag with what appeared to be a wire hanging out of it. Intrigued, I quickly pulled over to investigate. As I approached the black bag I saw that it was filled with electronics among other things. I quickly picked it up and returned to my truck. Once inside, I peered into the bag and discovered a GPS navigation system, Sony PSP, Blackbery and a wallet. It was a triangular back with a single shoulder strap and a zipper on top. I started the truck and pulled out continuing on to the health club. Passing a police officer parked on the side of the road, I considered giving it to him but decided to return it to the owner myself. Later when I arrived back at the office, I found an entry in the Blackberry address book titled "Dad". I dialed the number and reached a gentleman with a thick South American accent. After a couple of tries he finally realized that I had found his son's gadget bag.
Last night I met the bags owner in a McDonald’s parking lot. He appeared to be Hispanic with a short stout build. His Patriot's hat shadowed a face marked with multiple piercings and I could see the edge of a tattoo on his neck. He had a relieved look on his face glancing at the bag that hung on my shoulder. We discussed how the bag slid off the hood of his truck unnoticed until my sharp eyes detected the incongruous object lying by the side of the road. As I handed the bag to him he looked embarrassed and mumbled something about having no money to pay me. I reached out to shake his hand and looking him in the eye said "You owe me nothing". "You owe the next person that needs help". "It's called paying it forward". With that I got back in my truck, patted my dog and proceeded back to Clickerville.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Frustrated
This morning I was greeted by a cool, crisp early-winter day. B and I took the dog for a walk and talked for a while. He always amazes me with his evolving maturity. B is incredibly smart and his self confidence increases daily. I am lucky to be his Dad. J on the other hand, continues in his usual ways. Last night D asked him to take the dog out and he got all pissy. I still have not dealt with his theft of our credit card and am not even sure what I will do.
Today I found out that our 1st SGT and the CO have created new squads and my son B is not a squad leader. I don't have a problem with this supposed decision as long as I can see the criteria underlying it. As the XO of the unit I should not have heard about this from my son. I am torn as to how I should respond to this issue. I fully expect that if I talk to the CO about it he will say that no decision was made. Maybe I should just let it go...
Sitting in front of my computer keyboard in my home office, are unopened anniversary and Christmas cards from D for the past two years. I felt uncomfortable opening them during my depressive state. They remain unopened as I feel that I must first creatively express my love for D in order to do them justice. I have been trying to write a song but I have been struggling with the words and feelings. I shall redouble my creative efforts in hopes of completing a sonnet by Christmas.
Today I found out that our 1st SGT and the CO have created new squads and my son B is not a squad leader. I don't have a problem with this supposed decision as long as I can see the criteria underlying it. As the XO of the unit I should not have heard about this from my son. I am torn as to how I should respond to this issue. I fully expect that if I talk to the CO about it he will say that no decision was made. Maybe I should just let it go...
Sitting in front of my computer keyboard in my home office, are unopened anniversary and Christmas cards from D for the past two years. I felt uncomfortable opening them during my depressive state. They remain unopened as I feel that I must first creatively express my love for D in order to do them justice. I have been trying to write a song but I have been struggling with the words and feelings. I shall redouble my creative efforts in hopes of completing a sonnet by Christmas.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Home Again
Last night B and I returned from the training event in RI. The weekend went very well and three of my kids were appointed as leaders. They all performed superbly and our unit is developing a reputation for producing well trained cadets. B was chosen as a squad leader and appeared to be comfortable with the responsibility. I am becoming more comfortable associating with the other adults and often contribute to the various meetings and gatherings.
Today is dark, rainy and cold, a stark contrast to our recent weather. This morning I am enjoying my favorite coffee shop after a short hiatus. Today's latte was not up to normal standards but is much better then the tin can variety I poured from the large coffee urn yesterday morning. Saturday I was lucky enough to sneak out in the morning for a latte at a local Paneras. Unfortunately there are no Starbucks stores local to the training facilities.
Friday I gave money to one of S's friends so he could bail S out. That night, S called D drunk saying that he was going to kill our father. Did I make a mistake bailing him out? He did leave an apparently sober VM for me yesterday thanking me for securing his release. I now must try to reestablish a relationship with him. This is not something I look forward to even though I know it is the right thing to do.
Today is dark, rainy and cold, a stark contrast to our recent weather. This morning I am enjoying my favorite coffee shop after a short hiatus. Today's latte was not up to normal standards but is much better then the tin can variety I poured from the large coffee urn yesterday morning. Saturday I was lucky enough to sneak out in the morning for a latte at a local Paneras. Unfortunately there are no Starbucks stores local to the training facilities.
Friday I gave money to one of S's friends so he could bail S out. That night, S called D drunk saying that he was going to kill our father. Did I make a mistake bailing him out? He did leave an apparently sober VM for me yesterday thanking me for securing his release. I now must try to reestablish a relationship with him. This is not something I look forward to even though I know it is the right thing to do.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Shopping is Entertainment
Today I am enduring what is starting to become an annual tradition. At 5:30 this morning, D woke me up to join the hordes of frenzied consumers in the manifestation of Black Friday. I am a reluctant cohort on this particular adventure but my participation makes D happy. Our first stop was a large electronics store. The line was easily an eighth of a mile long. I looked at D with pleading eyes and a look of dismay on my face. She smiled and said "there is nothing in their that we need that badly". We then went to the mall and purchased large quantities of clothing and other gifts.
I am amazed at how twisted modern life has become. So much of our energy is spent spending and accumulating. I am just as guilty as the average Joe, but would like to change my habits. I need to spend more of my time in areas that better me and my fellow man. My contribution to the cadet group is important and rewarding but I feel like I can help other causes as well.
I am finally getting a care pack together for my nephew in Iraq. I am feeling increasingly guilty living my lavish lifestyle knowing how miserable his conditions must be.
Today we discovered that J has been stealing our credit card to purchase fuel and maybe some electronics. I really think there is something wrong with his brain. He consistently uses poor judgement with little to no regard for the consequences. However, I don't know where to turn for help. Perhaps I should attempt to find a neurologist knowledgeable in this area. It is offenses like this that causes me to resent J and inhibits my desire to become closer with him.
I discovered Tuesday that S's bail has been reduced from $15,000 to $500. I plan to bail him out but I am wrestling with the decision to do it today or Monday. I think it is good for him to spend a little time in jail but I know it must bring back horrific memories from when he was sent to jail at the tender age of 17 for a crime he may not have committed. I write this while I sit in a comfy chair at the chain coffee shop I enjoy. I guess I should try to get him out today.
I am amazed at how twisted modern life has become. So much of our energy is spent spending and accumulating. I am just as guilty as the average Joe, but would like to change my habits. I need to spend more of my time in areas that better me and my fellow man. My contribution to the cadet group is important and rewarding but I feel like I can help other causes as well.
I am finally getting a care pack together for my nephew in Iraq. I am feeling increasingly guilty living my lavish lifestyle knowing how miserable his conditions must be.
Today we discovered that J has been stealing our credit card to purchase fuel and maybe some electronics. I really think there is something wrong with his brain. He consistently uses poor judgement with little to no regard for the consequences. However, I don't know where to turn for help. Perhaps I should attempt to find a neurologist knowledgeable in this area. It is offenses like this that causes me to resent J and inhibits my desire to become closer with him.
I discovered Tuesday that S's bail has been reduced from $15,000 to $500. I plan to bail him out but I am wrestling with the decision to do it today or Monday. I think it is good for him to spend a little time in jail but I know it must bring back horrific memories from when he was sent to jail at the tender age of 17 for a crime he may not have committed. I write this while I sit in a comfy chair at the chain coffee shop I enjoy. I guess I should try to get him out today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
