I don't care

I am the king of apathy.  I hear the words "I don't care" echo in my head often.

Stop spending money - "I don't care"

You should be saving for retirement - "I don't care"

Stop eating so much  shit - "I don't care"

Stop searching for something to fill this gaping hole in my soul - "I don't..."  Ok, I do care about that.

I've bought a lot of stuff over the past six months.  Mostly for photography and snowmobiling.  I should be paying my taxes and investing in my house.  "I don't care"

I should be reaching out to my brother, sisters, nieces, nephews and father...  "I don't care"

I need to get a dose of motivation.

Pissy Today

Tuesday night sucked.  D was in horrible pain all night and there's not a fucking thing I can do.  The sleepless evening seems to have pushed me into my all-to-typical bitchy-don't-give-a-fuck self.  Perhaps it was the visit with my Dad Sunday that fucked up my holiday spirit.  Or perhaps I've just run out of serotonin. The "why" doesn't really matter though.  I am completely anti-social, and of course, today is the company yankee swap and holiday luncheon that I may just blow off. 

I had to take a company picture a few weeks back and I felt a lot of time-pressure and rushed the shot.  I didn't have flash and shooting 40+ people is completely new to me.  The shot was for the company holiday card.  Yesterday, one of the owners informed me that they were not sending out the card even though they were printed, addressed and mostly signed.  She stated a few reasons but one of them was the off-color of the picture.  She's right.  I saw it and tried to correct but it was a little blue-ish. I couldn't push the kelvin any higher as it was too yellow. The devaluation of my photo stung.

I have so much to learn about photography and one of the single greatest challenges I face is the recognition that not everyone will like my work all the time.  This will of course be balanced against the many people that love my work...  But it's still hard to take.  I'll need a thicker skin if I'm going to shoot people. 

But back to the yankee swap.  I don't believe anybody really cares if I'm there.  It's my own fault though.  I don't pursue friendships with anyone at work.  I'm not really sure why, but I suspect it is tied to this deep-rooted sense that I'm not likable.  It's hard to shake it except with my friends.  Perhaps I'm just lazy in not pursuing friendships.  I've had opportunities, but except in isolated cases, I don't make it a priority.  And, I can be an ass at work.  I've little tolerance for people's ignorance and unwillingness to learn how to use technology.  I don't hide my disdain well.

Uncertainty

I have been going to the same coffee shop for about 12 years.  As a result, I have a lot of friends there so it can sometimes be difficult to work on pics or write anything.  Recently I have been spending some time at a different coffee shop that has beautiful views of the river, great coffee and an attractive owner.  Today's view includes a spectacular sunrise.

I've not written about D's health issues, but she has a serious condition that is causing her a tremendous amount of pain and difficulty.  The prognosis is unclear but most don't survive this particular affliction.  However, there is this possibility that she could get better, stabilize, and live a long life.  This means I am dealing with a massive amount of uncertainty.  However, today I decided, that if I should end up alone, I will buy a nice sailboat and travel the world.  I have slightly less uncertainty in my life now.

Priorities

I suspect today will be one of the last days I'll be able to sit outside and drink my coffee in the morning.  It's unusually warm and I understand there is a colder weather pattern en route.

I feel complacent this morning.  I have little energy and I'm feeling very anxious about finances as usual.  D has not worked since Jan and we have not made our payments to the IRS since then.  It's just a matter of time before they knock on my door.  What I should be doing is filling out the damn 433 form and negotiating a settlement with them.  I need to make this a priority.

Progress

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I've sketched out my goals and I'm committed to achieve them.

Yesterday after supper I spent a few hours in the garage working on my sled instead of watching TV.  Today I'm working on my finances. 

To be honest?

I stopped taking my medication about a week ago.  I want to see if I can get by without it.  I really haven't noticed a change.  I'm still pretty irritable but I did have a great day Saturday filled with motivation and a positive attitude. 

However, Saturday night, I lapsed into a foul mood when it became clear that I would have few people attending my planned super bowl party.  I decided to cancel it; partly out of anger but mostly out of convenience (avoided shopping, cooking, cleaning before followed by cleaning after.)  I purposely did not promote it on WasteBook because D is still recovering from a horrific bout of pancreatitus and I really didn't know if she would be up for a party. 

Following my cancellation I signed off all social media sites in a passive aggressive statement of disappointment in my friends.  That'll teach 'em. 

Yesterday I had a super productive day completing many chores around the house and showing B how to repair a sink drain in the bathroom.

D continues to get better but the end is no where in sight.  I get super annoyed when I have to take time off work to be with her or take her to doctors appointments.  Yeah, it's a little selfish but this is my fucking blog and where else can I be completely honest?

It's done!

It's a perfect morning in the town square.  I feel an incredible sense of relief now that my son's graduation and graduation party are both complete.  I was not able to complete the deck renovation but it was usable and I am happy with the result.  I'm very sorry and feeling the after-affects of two many beers and now enough suntan lotion, but I'm in a good space today.

I receive so many complements on my family yet I am still amazed when I do.  I feel fortunate to have two great boys that are both well balanced and likable.  I am often complimented on my 27 years of marriage and I always feel a twinge of pain when I think about the lack of passion in our relationship.  I feel especially bad that I don't really try to be more passionate.  I have just grown to accept the "companion" nature of our marriage.  I keep thinking that one day I will suddenly feel differently and ignite some incredible sense of desire...  I'm no dummy though.  I know it will only happen with effort.  We do things together, share interests...  I just don't talk much.  I don't even try to talk much.  I need to make an effort.

Sunday I teach my first sailing class to veterans. I'm super excited as this is an area I excel in and I'm looking forward to working with the vets.  I was a bit disheartened to hear that D could not come out on the boat (she and or the vets might not feel comfortable), but I'm hoping I can change that over time.

Hard Work

Lately I've been performing a lot of manual labor including major lawn and deck renovations that must be completed before my son's graduation party next Sunday.  Sunday I opened my in-laws camp which is back-breaking labor.  I can feel the effort in my muscles and joints marking my ascent into post-midlife.  I'm also cognizant of the inevitable effect of age on my physical appearance and it reminds me of my inconsistent goal of learning how to admire beauty without the need to possess it.

It has been approximately eight weeks since I've started yoga and I'm improving control of my thoughts and become more purposeful with them.  I continue to struggle with distracting desires such as lust and desire for possessions, but at least I'm aware of what I need to change

There's Hope?

I'm beginning to imagine a life freed from the shackles of consumerism, pop culture and wasted desire.  For years I have been exposed to meditation and ways of clearing the mind from shit that really doesn't matter.  While I have sometimes embraced these paths to freedom I always fall back to the reality we have all been taught from an early age.  However, this time I actually see a glimmer of hope that I might truly experience a change in my thinking that will help me to focus less on the bullshit that means absolutely nothing and immerse myself in a new reality that will fuel greater creativity and less anxiety.

I Have A Problem

Wednesday night I went out to my favorite cafe for a drink and hopefully some writing.  I was joined by some friends and had a marvelous time.  The new bartender was pouring me 16 oz, 10% craft beers that should have been ten ounces.  I had four of them... No supper... In about three hours.  Not good.  I was very drunk and when my friends departed I went looking for dinner and some time to sober up.  Unfortunately, most places were closed so I went to the car and drive home.   Actually experienced bed spins driving the care.  Not good...  Thursday I had the worst hangover of my life.  I took the day of as I could not function.

While I realize that I technically only had four beers, I really had about eight.   And I knew what I was doing for the most part.  I have been  growing increasingly concerned that I have a drinking problem.  For  a while I was drinking excessively almost every Friday night.  I have been tailing it back and have not been drunk in a month or so.  But this Wednesday was a wake up call.   I should have been pulled over.  I should have spent the night in jail.  I'm lucky I didn't hurt anyone else.

I'm grateful that today is just another day instead of one consumed with the stress and anxiety of dealing with the aftermath of a DUI, not to mention the expense.  I need to get my shit together.

Still Missing Her

I have recently been thinking about A; probably because it is becoming warmer and I am encountering memories that bring her back.  She quit the Marines some time ago and is back in the area but we never communicate.  The friend that I was so fond of is no more and it pains me to be around this person that I don't know.  She has made some attempts to contact me over the months but I keep my responses brief, showing now interest in any kind of relationship.

I miss my friend though...  My heart aches when I allow myself to be swept up in the emotions that lie around every corner.  Memories thrust themselves at me with no regard for the pain they inflict.  I do have fond memories as well, but it is better that I try to put our past behind me.  I miss her so much...  I think about the scientific biophysical process that is causing me so much angst and while I recognize my intense emotions are a result of biochemicals swirling around my brain, they are no less intense.  I wish I'd handled our relationship differently.  Perhaps we could be friends if I had.

I Give Up

Last Saturday I finally relented and started taking an anti-depressant.  It's too early to judge how well it will work, but I'm feeling some placebo effect.  I was often completely withdrawn at home and apparently unable to pull myself out of this malaise that has lasted eight months. 

Let me go...

I was moving on, feeling much better and making good progress on my goals.  I was enjoying the sunrise almost every day and smiling more often.  Now she is contacting me and is apparently coming home for a few months.  I really don't want her in my life.  Perhaps that is harsh, but my friend is gone and has been replaced by this person I don't know and don't really like.  We were so close when she left, best friends.  We talked openly and honestly.  This new person has some of her attributes, but our conversation is awkward, shallow and without feeling or emotion.  She gets angry quickly and is very condescending.  I miss my friend and talking to this person brings me to a place where I don't want to be.  I have not been very responsive to her.  Perhaps she will lose interest and move on. 

She's Baaaaackkkkk....

It's a cold day in the town square with a NW wind blowing at 20 - 25 knots. We received 4 - 5 inches of snow over the weekend and the DPW crews are still plowing and salting. 
 
The past few weeks I have been upbeat and productive.  I am working through my financial issues and as time passed, became less and less anxious about A's absence.  I have made many new friends in the creative community and I'm feeling successful on the Maslovian scale.

Last night A managed to get her phone and she resumed texting me.  While I enjoy hearing from her, I really am not very interested in listening to how horrible everything is and how she is depressed and hates being there.  I am in a quandary as to what to do moving forward.  I want to support her and be her friend, but I am not anxious to become emotionally attached to her again.  She chose a path, against my advice, which will almost certainly guarantee her 4 - 8 years of very difficult times.  There is little I can do except listen; I just don't know if I am up for that.  For now, I will simply not be super responsive.  Perhaps I will start having phone issues.  I don't want to hurt her, but I need to keep myself in a good space.  Idk...  It's hard to let go.

Love is an illusion

One needs closure to move on from any situation where one is hurt.  The best closure includes the party that was involved in, or contributed to the pain.  Absent that, it is very difficult to move on with uncertainty hanging in the air like a unseen odorless gas waiting to suck the air from your lungs.  At some level, I dared to hope for something that could never be.  As the reality of the situation sets in, I can feel my heart harden as I remind myself that we are carbon forms that act on instinct and any illusion of a spiritual connection is nothing more than a malformed electrical connection in my utilitarian brain.

Goodbye A

A is home and she is not the girl that left three months ago.  I knew I was right when I counseled her not to join the Marines.  She has become like a robot with no feelings.  She clearly suffers from PTSD resulting from her experience at boot camp.  I can't imagine what will happen when she gets deployed if she is involved with combat.  This is so fucked up.  I am overwrought with anxiety.  She hardly talks to me now.  I am just a civilian and civilians are disgusting with no purpose.  Yep, they really rewired her.  Her boyfriend who went to boot camp at the same time appears to have suffered some type of brain damage.  His speech is slow and he hardly moves his mouth.  It almost seems like he got a concussion or something. 

So it is time to say goodbye and move on.  My new mantra is "I am in control of my emotions".  I have to focus on what is truly important in my life and let the other bullshit go.  It is so true that happiness is tied to desire as the Buddhists believe.  I can see it in my life but I ignore it instead of re-framing my thoughts and desires.

Where's rock bottom?

Last night I slept for maybe two hours.  Yesterday was a rollercoaster emotionally.  The blue pills don't work as well now.   I stayed pretty focused at work though.  Today I am working as well

I had a couple of brief text exchanges with A yesterday and this morning.  We may see her and her boyfriend tonight or tomorrow.

Next week I'm going to make an appt for meds.  I hate the idea and it makes me feel weak, but feeling the way I have for the past few months is worse.

Who's calling?

I spoke to A for the first time in three months yesterday.  I was home with a nasty cold and was becoming very anxious as I assumed she had access to a phone but was not calling.  As the minutes turned into hours I could not shake her from my mind.  Every time my phone rang I jumped hoping it was her.  Finally, around 11:00, my phone rang again displaying a number that I knew belonged to her brother.  "Hello Dirk" she said in a raspy voice.  "A, it is so good to hear from you" I replied.  We talked briefly but she called back twice again and I spoke to her a few minutes each time.  My mood changed instantly.  I was upbeat and positive.  I will see her soon as she is home for twenty days then off to to the USMC School of Infantry for thirty days. 

Cut Down the Oaks

It's fucking cold out today.  We have about six inches of crusty snow on the ground.  Normally I would be thrilled as I could take my snowmobile out.  But these day, I just don't care.  I will probably have to sell it soon anyways.

I remember writing about mourning the loss of my depression because it seemed to diminish my creative energy.  I mourn no more.  I am feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness.  This morning I was actually comparing myself to Gollum.  I would be happy to be free of my Precious if I knew what it was.  Most don't know the depths of my melancholy.  When one causes his own hardship, I think it is more difficult to bear.  I constantly berate myself for my past decisions.  I think that for most, anxiety moves one to resolution of the issues that create the angst.  For whatever reason, I seem to be moved to avoidance allowing small problems to grow like saplings into towering oaks. 

I got gypped in the nerochemical dept

Yesterday I was thinking about the best way to check out.  It wasn't a conversation about if, but one of how.  Today I took two blue pills and I feel great.  Anxious, yes...  But motivated to fix the environmental issues that are driving me to a desperate outcome.  This sense of wellness will not last, but I shall bask in the neurochemicals effect even if it is fleeting.  Tomorrow I will take three if I have to.